Valentine's Day is an exclusionary holiday, which, frankly, is some crap. I have a date this year — waits for applause — but for many years, I did not. From those cold February days came a distaste for Cupid and Hallmark and an appreciation for the anti-Valentine's Day experience.
And for those of you out there who are spending February 14 alone, take solace in the fact that you will not have to spend money on an expensive dinner or overpriced underwear. No, instead, you get a Saturday where you can do one of two things: feel sorry for yourself or have fun with it.
Fifty Shades of Grey for one, please
The Twilight fan fiction turned bestseller is getting the cinematic treatment with a release on Valentine's Eve, but the real magic will be at the Saturday evening showings. Revel in the complete lack of chemistry between Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson, the fanatical housewives whose husbands never got their knot-tying badge in Boy Scouts, and the faint scent of cat dander. At least the soundtrack is good.
Treat Yo Self
Clothes. Fragrances. Massages. Mimosas. Fine leather goods. Treat Yo Self isn't just a Parks and Recreation joke; it's a way of life. What better way to spend Cupid's Saturday than on yourself? You don't need someone else to buy you a mani-pedi or a deep-tissue massage. Go buy that shirt you've been eyeing and match it with some dope pants. This is all about you, and you deserve to treat yo self.
Get drenched in blood
Not literally, cinematically. Mondo Gallery and Alamo Drafthouse are teaming up for a soundtrack vinyl release party mixed with a special screening of the least Valentinesy movie ever: Cannibal Holocaust. Enjoy blood, gore, brutality and more on the screen as well as a themed, four-course menu (Monkey Brains for dessert, anyone?). The horror begins at 10 pm on Anti-Valentine's Day and tickets cost $50.
Netflix is the friend that never leaves
If you don't feel like leaving the house for a movie (blood or no), Netflix has your back. The streaming service added all 10 seasons of Friends on January 1. So what if you've already seen all the episodes on Nick at Nite and know that "The One With The Secret Closet" was the 14th episode of the eighth season? Get nested with a day's worth of junk food, start from season one, and if you stay committed, you'll be well past the one where Ross and Rachel take a break. See, everyone has rough patches.
Round up some single friends and do a pub crawl the way it was meant to be done: with a scoring system that encourages drinking a lot. The best part about this is you can play with as few as two people, but a foursome or more is where the party gets going as you chug your way to the lowest round. Plus, friends bring new friends, and with alcohol on your side, you might just end this anti-Valentine's Day a little less single (at least for the night).