I’ll be straight with you: After watching the first season of the Real Housewives of Dallas, I didn’t have high hopes for the series. The emphasis on the Dallas charity scene, coupled with LeeAnne’s clear (and very distressing) anger issues, made it difficult to watch. I was certain there wouldn’t be a second season.
And yet! Bravo, you saucy minx.
Two episodes into season two, I’m now trying to figure out how to convince the bigwigs at Bravo to send me all the episodes in advance because I’m that obsessed and I desperately want to binge-watch all of them while taking a bubble bath and drinking wine with my cat. But enough about my Friday nights.
This episode opens with obligatory scenes of a few of the housewives doing housewife-y things: Cary is hanging out with her daughter, Zuri, and complaining about work, while Kameron is assisting in private Spanish lessons for her children, Hilton and Cruise. Before we move on, let’s go over the housewives’ kids’ names. In addition to Zuri, Hilton, and Cruise, we have Brooklyn and Brinkley (Brandi’s daughters) and Chance and Cruz (Stephanie’s sons). Why are half these names also nouns?
Anyway. Stephanie is having trouble coping with her divorce from Brandi Redmond, so she’s started seeing a life coach. She immediately breaks down when speaking about Brandi’s cold shoulder at the party for Mark, and the life coach suggests they need to sit down together and talk about it. Fortunately the feuding former lovers will soon be thrust together when they judge … no, not a beauty pageant. A dog costume contest! These two are clearly hot commodities in Dallas.
Meanwhile, Brandi and Cary meet for lunch, even though Brandi is so not cool with Cary calling Stephanie her “ride-or-die.” You see, Stephanie was supposed to be Brandi’s ride-or-die, even though Brandi is refusing to speak to her at the moment. Brandi puts her jealousy aside momentarily, though, to get to the bottom of a different problem. She asks Cary if Cary did indeed say that LeeAnne was “up to her old carnival tricks,” as Stephanie claimed via text. Either Cary truly never uttered those words, or she’s a great liar, because she is just as convincing in her denial to Brandi as she is when she denied it to LeeAnne previously. She even musters some tears, because she just wants to be friends with everybody, y'all.
Proving she’s more than just a completely natural pretty face, D’Andra takes us on a tour of the laboratory where items for her mother’s natural beauty company, Ultimate Living, are created. D’Andra reveals that she went to naturopathic doctor’s school, and she has developed some of the company’s formulas herself. Jackie, one of the company’s cosmetic designers, wants to launch a new elixir made with “snow algae” that only comes from the Alps. I Googled “snow algae” and discovered it’s also called “blood algae,” and if I were D’Andra, I’d definitely go with that name instead. Major Elizabeth Bathory vibes, and she was young forever.
Across town, in a neighborhood none of us could afford, Stephanie and Travis are looking at houses closer to the boys’ schools. The first house has a pool in the living room. It’s the tackiest thing I’ve ever seen, and I would 100 percent use it every day if I lived there. Another selling point? The mechanical toilet that, according to the realtor, can “stimulate you down there.”
In this-is-not-a-shameless-plug news, Cary and Mark are super excited that Mark has been nominated for CultureMap Dallas’ Stylemaker Awards, and the show flashes back to Cary helping Mark assemble outfits to showcase while slowly dying inside from sheer lack of interest. “I love him!” she swears to the camera, a little too emphatically. “Just so we’re clear,” she adds later, “Mark’s not gay ... just very ... European.” D’Andra and Stephanie have come to lend their support to Mark, who spends the event convincing absolutely no one of his heterosexuality. Shameless plug No. 2: Be sure to get your nominations in for this year's Stylemaker Awards.
Elsewhere, Kameron tries to get her kids to pack their own suitcases for the family vacation to Cabo. It’s about time someone taught those kids some responsibility. It’s like all they do all day is go to school and get private Spanish lessons and eat food prepared by their nanny.
Kameron is so upset that they’re going to Cabo this weekend, though, because it means she’ll have to miss the dog costume contest, which is the perfect opportunity for her to do market research on pink dog food. ¡Qué lástima!
Back at the Stylemaker Awards, Mark loses, but we really appreciated all the coverage. So, um, thanks, Bravo, for making a super professional video of our event. Will you come back next year?
Stephanie probably won’t be returning next year, as the event quickly grows super awkward for her. Cary confronts her about that old-tricks text, and Stephanie admits Cary never actually said that. Cary tells Stephanie she needs to figure out her beef with Brandi on her own and leave Cary out of it.
Then we get a scene where D’Andra and her mom talk about business, with D’Andra trying to convince her mother to give her some more responsibility. D’Andra seems like a really interesting person, and I admire that she works so hard, but I’m over this storyline already.
Let’s get back to Stephanie, who is having a bad week. Turns out Travis went behind her back and bought the tacky swimming-pool-in-the-living-room house for $5.1 million, even though Stephanie thinks that having a pool inside the house with two small children and two dogs is maybe not a great idea. They tentatively agree to flip the house and buy something else.
And finally, 33 minutes into this episode, we see LeeAnne for the first time. She’s dressing up her dogs for the costume contest that Brandi and Stephanie are judging, and while she admits it’s a little crazy, she also says she’s not asking the dogs to do anything she wouldn’t do. And then she puts on a hot dog costume.
So of course before the competition starts, LeeAnne has a serious conversation with the ladies about Stephanie’s text to Brandi while dressed as a hot dog. When Stephanie arrives, the ladies fall silent, ’cause nothing screams “we weren’t just talking about you” like shutting down all communication.
The dogs are adorable, but we don’t get much of a puppy dressed as Waldo or a Rastafarian Labrador, because as soon as the judging is over, LeeAnne confronts Stephanie about that now-infamous text.
“Honestly,” Stephanie says to LeeAnne, “you scare me. And I think you’re manipulating.”
Without missing a beat, LeeAnne replies, “Look in the mirror, bitch.” Then she proceeds to rant that if the ladies have problems with each other, they need to go straight to the source, rather than talking behind each other’s backs. Good one, LeeAnne, no Housewife has ever thought of that before.
And then we get the best one-liner of the episode, and, potentially the entire season, from Stephanie: “I know she’s dressed like a wiener, but she’s acting like a dick.”
All the tears and the promises to talk and try to work things out that come after that mean nothing, because all I can see is LeeAnne slowly morphing from a hot dog to a ... ahem ... frank and beans.
I’ll leave you now to ruminate over that image until next week. I know I will be.