Dallas is great and all, but I, for one, could not be happier that this entire episode of The Real Housewives of Dallas takes place in sunny Mexico. Everyone knows catfights are better when they’re fueled by tequila and mild heat exhaustion.
The episode begins with the ladies retrieving their swimwear and preparing to head to the beach. During the swimsuit selection montage, we get the first glimpse of Kameron’s killjoy attitude that will be front and center for the entire trip. Seriously, this mannequin of a woman seems incapable of having a good time.
More on that later, though. For now, she’s giving Cary some intense side eye when she sees the size of her bathing suit.
“That looks like it’s Hilton’s size,” she says, referencing her 6-year-old daughter and pursing her weird lips disapprovingly.
Meanwhile, in Brandi and Stephanie’s suite, the girls are going balls out on this vacation — literally. Brandi has brought along a very large, dark brown dildo, which she intends to hide in D’Andra’s bag to loosen her up a little.
In the midst of the ensuing giggle fest, we get to hear about a trip Brandi and Stephanie took to Vegas a few years back, during which they inserted eggs into their vaginas and competed to see who could keep them up in there the longest. Stephanie maintains she was not present for the “incident,” while Brandi claims Stephanie was, in fact, the winner. The world may never know.
Brandi claims that the dildo is all part of her plan to see who can let loose and have a good time, because that’s how she determines who her true friends are. If you can’t share in dildo and fart jokes, how could you possibly be close? Brandi manages to surreptitiously slip the toy (which she has nicknamed “sexual chocolate”) into D’Andra’s bag before the group leaves for a tacos and tequila outing.
At the taco bar, the ladies discover a bowl of what appears to be deep fried and salted maguey worms, which are a nutritious delicacy in Mexican cuisine. Cary attempts to eat one but immediately spits it out and gags dramatically, while D’Andra, the one Brandi and Stephanie worried was too conservative to have fun, downs multiple worms and complains that none of the other women would survive in a third-world country.
And then she discovers the dildo, and instead of freaking out, she says, “Oh, I love the fact that someone put a dildo in my bag,” before waving it at Brandi and proudly planting it on the table. D’Andra is my new favorite.
The commentary from elsewhere in the group is as follows:
LeeAnne: Did you kill your thoroughbred, and that’s what’s left?
Stephanie: Oh, it has a pee hole and everything!
Killjoy Kameron: This is so not my type of vacation.
Look, I get that planting a dildo in a bag isn’t the most mature joke one can make. But Kameron is so horrified by the presence of the toy that she refuses to even return to the table while it’s out, as if being near it might somehow turn her from a Wescott to a Redmond.
Naturally, Brandi feels the need to include Kameron in the fun, so she chases her down the beach, dildo in hand. Kameron runs away screaming and proclaiming that it’s gross and disrespectful.
“This vacation is Girls Gone Wild,” she says dramatically. Woman, have you ever seen the show you’re on?! A dildo is child’s play compared to some of the shit those Real Housewives of New York get up to.
“My mom is a Sunday school teacher who doesn’t drink and doesn’t cuss,” Stephanie says, “and I would rather hang out with her than Kameron.” Amen to that.
Kameron then does the opposite of defusing the situation by proclaiming that she was just “raised a different way” than Brandi was, implying that she’s high class and Brandi is low class.
In order to keep things from completely falling apart, the ladies split into two groups, with Stephanie, Brandi, and Cary lounging by the pool and D’Andra, LeeAnne, and Kameron returning to the villa. LeeAnne points out that when Brandi and Stephanie drink, their senses of humor devolve into those of 12-year-old boys, and Cary claims that Rich, LeeAnne’s new fiancé, has “the world’s smallest penis.” So this trip is going well so far.
As everyone prepares for dinner, LeeAnne finally tells D’Andra that Rich proposed and she’s engaged. She plans to tell the rest of the girls at dinner that evening, but she wanted to tell her buddy first, and it’s actually very sweet how happy D’Andra is for her.
Before we can get to the good news, though, we have to get through some dinner drama. For some reason, Brandi and Kameron are sitting next to each other, which seems like the worst possible idea. The conversation between the two almost instantly turns to what is and is not appropriate.
Strip clubs? Not appropriate. Dildos? Not appropriate. Having a “Highland Fucking Park” ZIP code? Appropriate, but also elitist.
Kameron insists that she never would judge someone based on a ZIP code, even though that’s exactly what she was doing in a conversation with Cary a few episodes back. Brandi is still pissed off that Kameron can’t take a joke, and neither is willing to compromise, especially after Kameron says she knows a lot of people in Dallas who talk about how “disgusting” Brandi and Stephanie are.
Before things can get any worse, Cary shuts the conversation down with a loud (probably intentional) burp, and LeeAnne decides to lighten the mood by revealing her gaudy engagement ring. Naturally, everyone feigns excitement.
The next day, D’Andra counsels LeeAnne not to get so angry toward Cary, Cary finds her zen with yoga on the beach, and Stephanie and Brandi have the most epic bubble bath ever. No, really. Stephanie has seemingly emptied an entire bottle of bubble bath into the water, because the whole bathroom is filled with foam that has overflowed from the tub. It’s truly a magnificent sight.
Later, the gals get together to have dinner in a cave that supposedly also houses bats. As they walk in, Stephanie makes a wish that a bat would poop on Kameron so she’d have someone else to scold. Kameron complains about how much excellent tequila she’s expected to drink and reveals that she can’t have more than three drinks “EV-AR.”
As soon as dinner begins, LeeAnne becomes annoyed by Cary, who is trying to order in “medical Spanish,” as opposed to LeeAnne’s “working man’s Spanish.” If it ain’t one thing, it’s another.
When Brandi encourages Cary to engage in a game of “Two Truths and a Lie,” Cary takes the opportunity to confront LeeAnne about what she said to Brandi in the doctor’s office. LeeAnne basically admits to threatening Cary, but says she obviously didn’t mean it. D’Andra and Kameron start downing tequila.
The discussion about the threat leads back to the conversation that took place at the “Honestea,” during which Cary maintained LeeAnne’s plastic surgeon is an OB-GYN and not qualified to perform plastic surgery. Brandi reminds Cary that she has a history of putting down other doctors, which Cary vehemently denies. She insists she would never claim that a doctor “killed someone on the operating table,” but Brandi stands by her story.
At this point, Cary is calling Brandi a liar, Brandi is flabbergasted that someone would call her a liar, Stephanie is literally caught in the middle, and D’Andra and Kameron are full-on getting drunk.
And LeeAnne — sweet, innocent LeeAnne — sits back, sips her drink, and smiles maniacally at how beautifully her twisted plan has played out.