Y’all. It’s the season two finale of The Real Housewives of Dallas, and since we’re in Texas, it’s gonna be bigger and badder (and longer) than all the Housewives finales that came before!
The episode begins with a recap of the drama that’s played out on this season thus far. D’Andra wants to take over the company from Mommy Dearest, who just won’t quit, so she’s attempting to prove herself by launching a new product. Stephanie’s husband bought an atrocious house with a swimming pool in the living room without consulting her, so she’s dealing with renovations on top of helping her youngest son overcome dyslexia. Cary wants to work less and spend more time with her daughter, which her husband/boss doesn’t like. Brandi wants to have another baby, but first she has to deal with the biggest infant in her life, LeeAnne. LeeAnne, meanwhile, hates Cary, but she loves Rich, and she has just agreed to marry him. Oh yeah, and Kameron made pink dog food.
So now we’re all caught up and ready to celebrate LeeAnne and Rich’s engagement at a big, ol’ carnival-themed party. More Cirque du Soleil than State Fair, though, as D’Andra is quick to point out. Classy, not corny dogs.
LeeAnne is less concerned with the theme and more concerned with the fact that her mother is coming to celebrate, and she hasn’t seen her mother in two years. Mama worked on the carnival circuit, so LeeAnne was often left with the grandparents (I mean, you can’t very well have a toddler manning the Tilt-A-Whirl), and LeeAnne feels majorly abandoned because of it.
D’Andra reveals she’s not even allowed to spend the night at her mother’s house “because of the stress,” so that’s a hilarious tidbit. I’m betting it’s because Mommy Dearest never actually sleeps, and she doesn’t want D’Andra to see her sitting upright in her velvet coffin until dawn, but that’s only a theory.
Over at Stephanie’s new monstrous mansion, renovations are under way to turn the $5 million house into a $6.5 million house without a pool in the living room. She’s trying hard to quash Travis’ visions of a Vegas club-style home, and thank goodness, because that is a man with terrible taste.
Speaking of terrible taste, Brandi’s demon children, Brooklyn and Brinkley, are watching her make some sort of mini, spherical pancakes and discussing Brinkley’s upcoming birthday party. Brinkley hopes “Elf on the Shelf” will be attending, and Brandi reveals that any time Brinkley sees a “little person,” she thinks it’s one of Santa’s elves. Brandi has yet to correct her, so that’s gonna be an awkward conversation at the mall someday soon.
Brandi then tells her hubby, Bryan, that her appointment with the fertility doctor wasn’t super encouraging. Her fertility is declining (duh, 'cause that’s what happens with age), so they need to get to babymaking as soon as possible.
Back at LeeAnne’s house, she and her mother are going through her old pageant crowns and sashes, reliving her glory days and reminiscing about feeling unwanted and unloved. I don’t know how you spend your weekends, but that sounds like a freaking blast. LeeAnne invites her mother to attend therapy with her to work on their relationship. “God, I hope you have a good therapist,” LeeAnne’s mother says, ominously.
Across town, Cary, Stephanie, and Brandi are having a therapy session of their own, only theirs comes with tequila shots and appetizers. Stephanie has invited the ladies to an intervention of sorts, at which she hopes to convince Brandi that her relationship with LeeAnne is toxic and manipulative.
To her credit, Brandi immediately apologizes for accusing Cary of breaking up Mark’s previous marriage, and Cary apologizes for saying she would never be friends with people like Stephanie and Brandi. But, she says, LeeAnne manipulated her into saying that. She thinks LeeAnne made the comment that Stephanie and Brandi were ruining their reputations by parading around Mexico with a dildo to elicit a response from Cary that she could then use against her.
Is LeeAnne that smart? I’m really not sure. But if she did plan that, I’m going to her for all my future problems, because that is some majorly crafty shit.
Brandi admits that LeeAnne has been acting as the puppet master, telling Brandi that Stephanie and Cary don’t care about her, which then caused her to lash out at them. The three amigos seem to be on the same page once again, and it looks like LeeAnne is about to get written out of their friendship.
Meanwhile, D’Andra is meeting with her mother to give her the bad news that the product she’s developing is delayed because they’re waiting for the main ingredient to come in from Europe. D’Andra takes full responsibility, and Mommy Dearest appreciates that. She appreciates it so much, in fact, that she breaks down crying and hands over the key to the business to her daughter.
So now, it seems, the company is finally D’Andra’s, but it remains to be seen if Mommy Dearest can actually let go.
Mother-daughter bonding is also going smoothly for Cary and Zuri, who is thrilled that her mommy is home from work full-time now. Cary is realizing just how much her daughter resembles her husband, though, and she’s regretting that she’s still dealing with the same level of perfectionism but not getting paid for it.
Of course, payment comes in many forms. For their anniversary, Mark gifts Cary an Hermès wallet and a Birkin bag to the tune of $20,000. So, that’s not too shabby.
Next, we get into the super awkward mother-daughter bonding between LeeAnne and her mom at therapy. LeeAnne’s mother seems genuinely afraid of her daughter, which makes sense, 'cause LeeAnne is a scary lady liable to fly off the handle at any moment. Mom says she doesn’t understand why LeeAnne thinks she abandoned her, when it turns out she genuinely wanted to be in her daughter’s life. LeeAnne finally comes to understand how difficult it must have been for her teenage mom to leave her with her grandparents all the time as she worked to make a life for her child.
Now that that’s out of the way, the engagement party celebrations can begin! D’Andra and Kameron are super happy to support LeeAnne, but Brandi is keeping her distance after learning about LeeAnne’s manipulation in Mexico. Cary and Mark arrive, not to support LeeAnne, but because they’re friends with her fiancé, Rich.
LeeAnne toasts her guests, thanking them for being such great friends and for genuinely loving her — and then the camera cuts to Brandi and Cary staring sullenly at their feet.
Fortunately, Kameron is there to cut the tension with a statement to no one in particular: “Any opportunity to eat gold sprinkles, I will do it.” Also, there is no attractive way to eat cotton candy, even if it has real gold in it. That’s just a fact.
Perhaps sensing that Brandi is being standoffish, LeeAnne pulls her aside and gives her a pep talk about their friendship … before threatening to slit her throat if Brandi ever fucks her over.
The next day, D’Andra throws LeeAnne an engagement brunch, saying, “This is a time for us all to be joyful for our friend, and that’s what I want this to be about.” Good luck with that, girlfriend.
LeeAnne tells Cary that she and Rich felt Mark was being standoffish at the engagement party, and Cary says he’s going to need some time to get over LeeAnne’s accusations about him (his practice is a “chop shop,” he was soliciting men for favors). LeeAnne counters that Rich is upset with Cary’s accusations about him (he has “the world’s smallest penis”).
Cary says it must make LeeAnne tired to be so angry all the time, and LeeAnne insists she doesn’t think or talk about Cary when she isn’t around her. Brandi chimes in, calling bullshit.
She accuses LeeAnne of manipulating the situation in Mexico to get a reaction from Cary and Kameron, who has been silent until this point, says she never heard LeeAnne say anything about their reputations being ruined. Of course, Bravo airs the clip of LeeAnne saying just that, so, sorry, Kameron, but we’re revoking your “smart blonde” title.
Then, Brandi accuses LeeAnne of “getting off” on her estrangement from Stephanie. LeeAnne vehemently denies it, but those trusty Bravo editors are there to replay the clips of LeeAnne encouraging Brandi multiple times to distance herself from Stephanie.
Finally, Brandi goes off on LeeAnne completely, ending her rant with “Fuck you, and good luck on your wedding,” before storming out of D’Andra’s house. Stephanie follows, as does D’Andra. Cary stands up and tells LeeAnne she can’t keep threatening to kill people.
“Come on, girl, you know she’s not gonna kill you,” Kameron says before adding nervously, " ... right?” Jury’s still out on that one, Kameron.
As the season wraps up, we get the usual freeze frames and updates on the cast:
D’Andra has the key to the business, but Mommy Dearest is still coming in at 9 every morning and calling all the shots.
Cary has returned to work two days a week, and Mark is still lavishing her with Birkins.
Kameron “isn’t 100 percent sure that LeeAnne won’t kill anyone.” We also get an update that Sparkle Dog has hit the shelves, but I think the update about LeeAnne’s potential for homicide is more important.
Stephanie and Travis are still working on the house, and Stephanie’s storyline is still boring.
Brandi is taking space from LeeAnne, but she’s spending more time with Bryan in the bedroom, as they keep trying for another terrible child.
And LeeAnne. Poor, misunderstood LeeAnne. She’s added behavioral therapy to her anger management regimen, and she’s taking Brandi off the guest list for her upcoming nuptials.
That may be it for season two of the Real Housewives of Dallas, but don’t forget there’s still a reunion to look forward to!