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Looking for Love, round 1

Fifty shades of cray, bridal gowns & Houston back flips steal the show on The Bachelor premiere

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Sean Lowe of ABC's The Bachelor
Lindsay, a substitute teacher, barrels out of the limo in a wedding dress. Shockingly, this does not get her booted from the house. Photo courtesy of ABC
Sean Lowe of ABC's The Bachelor
Sean grins wildly at every girl coming out of the limo. No judgment here. These girls are pretty hot. Photo courtesy of ABC
Tierra and Sean on the Bachelor episode 1
Tierra gets a rose before she even make it in the house. This does not sit well with her competitors. Photo courtesy of ABC
Sean Lowe of ABC's The Bachelor
Sean Lowe of ABC's The Bachelor
Tierra and Sean on the Bachelor episode 1

Drama, drama, drama. Isn’t that why we love The Bachelor? The cat fights. The meltdowns. The catty comments. The tears. Predictably, this is how this Bachelor starts — with a montage of girls-behaving-badly moments.

Some of our favorite sound bites from the highlight reel:

  • “These girls are crazy.”
  • “There are some dark horses in this house.”
  • “I didn’t come here to make best friends.”
  • “I’m above everyone else, and I’m done with this conversation.”
  • “All right, bitch. Game on.”

It’s quite a hornet’s nest for Sean Lowe, the ultimate good guy, a man who loves his parents and his niece and nephew and God. Another montage shows the 6-foot-3 KSU football star at home in Dallas, talking about finding the kind of relationship his parents have.

To which we say, good luck with that.

We are clearly more cynical than this bachelor, who’s been down this road, fell in love and lost. But he’s the eternal optimist, his pearly white smile almost as pretty as his six-pack.

Before Sean meets his bachelorettes, he’s visited by his former rival, Arie, who also vied for Emily’s affection on The Bachelorette. Arie gives Sean a pep talk and a few pointers — including how to kiss properly. In a nutshell:

  • “The most important thing is eye contact.”
  • “You’ve got to come in with the hands, slowly, not too fast. Dominant right hand, to play with the hair.”
  • “One hand on hair, one hand on face.”
  • “Pull them close. You’re not just kissing. You’re kissing with your whole body. (“That’s good,” Sean says. “I’m gonna write that down.”)
  • “Very little tongue. It’s almost like a teaser.”

At the end of the Arie’s visit, Sean is reflective. “He had a lot of good advice for me,” he says. “I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be able to use any of it.”

Too bad Arie didn’t give him advice about what to do when a girl pulls a tie out from between her breasts and threatens to go all Fifty Shades of Grey on his ass.

Yes, the women reach into their bags of tricks to make an impression on this living Ken doll. Like Robyn from Houston, who botches a second back flip upon exiting the limo. (She gets a rose anyway.)

 “She is a lot to take in,” Sean says of Ashley P. “Fifty Shades of Grey may have become Fifty Shades of Drunk tonight.”

Kelly, a cruise ship entertainer from Nashville, sings a little ditty she wrote herself. In the end, Sean doesn’t appreciate her kind of music and withholds a rose, even though he initially declares, “I’m buying that single!”

Substitute teacher Lindsay goes big and arrives wearing a wedding gown. “Did I miss the memo?” Sean asks.

“You may now kiss the bride,” she announces — then lays one on him.

“I’m such a prankster,” she says. “I’ve got balls.”

“I hope not,” he replies.

Unlike previous iterations of the Bachelor, Sean takes liberties with the rose-giving, pausing the introduction parade to run inside after he first meets Tierra so he can hand her a rose before she ever steps foot in the house.

This does not sit well with the other girls. To make matters more complicated, Sean starts handing out roses during cocktail hour, in his one-on-ones. The bachelorettes are baffled. Will there be any roses left for the damn ceremony? They must take action.

Fifty Shades of Grey, a.k.a. hair stylist Ashley P., interrupts a conversation between Sean and one of the other ladies and proceeds to dance sexily in the background until her competitor gives up and walks off.

“I’m so scared for him right now,” says one of the girls in the house.

“Someone needs to save him,” whispers another.

No worries, girls! Sean’s got a rape whistle! “In case I’m in trouble,” he says.

“When you got dumped by Emily,” Ashley P. tells Sean, “I called my mom and said, ‘Mom, that is the guy I’m going to marry.’”

“That girl’s a trip,” Sean says later. “I don’t even know where to start with her. She is a lot to take in. Fifty Shades of Grey may have become Fifty Shades of Drunk tonight.”

And then Ashley P. falls down the stairs.

But she’s not the only who has too much to drink. Prankster Lindsay is still looking for that first dance with her future husband. And then she asks him to sing. And wants another kiss.

“I swear I’m not contagious.”

Mr. Nice Guy is trying to be polite. “You are too much,” he says.

“Are you Mr. Traditional?” she asks.

“Probably a little bit more than you are.”

Pay attention, ladies. These shenanigans work. Lindsay gets a rose.

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