Someone call 911

The Bachelor gets physical, but the girls roll with the punches

The Bachelor gets physical, but the girls roll with the punches

The Bachelor roller derby
None of the girls are excited about roller derby, but they want to try, if only to impress their man. Photo courtesy of ABC
The Bachelor roller derby
Sarah is understandably upset about this whole thing. Photo courtesy of ABC
The Bachelor roller derby
After Amanda takes a spill, Sean decides it's better to just skate. Photo courtesy of ABC
The Bachelor roller derby
The Bachelor roller derby
The Bachelor roller derby

When Leslie breaks down in tears because she doesn’t get the first one-on-one date with Sean, it’s a premonition of things to come. Turns out she does get some alone time with her “future husband,” who treats her like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman — the shopping part, not the hooker part, okay? — but then gives her bejeweled butt the boot at the end of the date when he’s not feeling it.

Oh, did I ruin it for you? Probably not. The good stuff never happens when Sean is alone with his lady du jour. The bachelorette pad is always where it’s at, action-wise. Episode four was no exception. Tension is mounting with Tierra the Terrible and, well, lots of people.

 Selma has to climb a really big rock. Did we mention that Leslie got 120 carats of diamonds to wear? At least Selma got to ride on a private jet.

For a minute, we can talk about Selma, who got a date with Sean. In the desert. And she had to climb a really big rock. Did we mention that Leslie got 120 carats of diamonds to wear, to go with her couture gown and shoes? At least Selma got to ride on a private jet.

Selma, who prefers heels to hiking, handled it like a pro and nearly bested Sean at his own game. But she won’t kiss him. Oh no. She was born in Baghdad, and her very conservative family would croak if she sucks face on TV. He will have to wait until she’s the only girl left standing.

No matter. There are plenty of other chicks on this show. But Selma is a hottie. She might be worth the wait!

On the group date, in keeping with the this-show-might-kill-you theme, Sean takes the girls to the roller derby. Tierra is psyched; she’s ready to take someone down! Amanda, equally disliked by the others, says she’s done this before, just to mess with their heads. She hasn’t. Ha!

Poor Sarah is genuinely unhappy, and, admittedly, it does seem pretty nasty to ask a girl with one arm to compete at the roller derby. She can’t balance herself as easily as the others, and getting up after a fall is a much bigger deal. She is understandably scared, frustrated and embarrassed.

Seriously.

But she’s a good sport. She’s up for it. A pep talk from Sean gives her the confidence she needs to get back out there. Until Amanda goes splat and nearly breaks her jaw. Cue the ambulance! That’s twice now. Did anyone know there would be a physical part to this exam?

 Amanda goes splat at the roller derby and nearly breaks her jaw. Cue the ambulance! That’s twice now. Did anyone know there would be a physical part to this exam?

With Amanda off to the hospital, Sean decides it would be better to just do some old-fashioned roller skating. The girls are relieved. They tried their best, to impress the hunky, shirted (for now, anyway) bachelor, but they are ready to trade their skates for stilettos, thank you very much.

Tierra is, not surprisingly, her awesomely irritated self. She doesn’t like the way the girls treat her. She thinks they are backstabby high schoolers. She won’t stand for it. She walks off in a huff. She wants to leave. She goes to find Sean — who’s about to slip into the hot tub with Lindsay, a.k.a. wedding gown.

Sorry, Lindsay! No hot tub for you. Tierra has to cry and throw a fit and tell Sean that it’s hard being in the house with those mean, gossipy girls.

“I just can’t do it,” she whines. “Living with all these women is hard. It’s torture. It’s seriously torture.”

He finds her adorable and sensitive. He’s been worried about her from the beginning.

“You know what I know?” he asks. “You like me. You want to spend more time with me. I can tell by the way you look at me.”

He runs into the house, still in his swim trunks, to get a rose. Cut to Tierra, who has a smirk on her face. You gotta hand it to her. He digs her brand of cray.

The other girls, however, do not. Poor Lindsay is huddled up with the others, still in her bikini.

 “I hate drama,” Tierra says to Sean. “But for some reason girls have a hard time accepting me for who I am.” Yes, that must be it.

We already know what happens with Leslie’s Pretty Woman date, so let’s skip to the rose ceremony, shall we? It only gets interesting when the ladies get their panties in a twist at the house.

Tierra commiserates with Amanda, who picks up what Tierra is laying down. After a fake apology to Robin and Jackie, Tierra puts her focus back on the prize.

“I hate drama,” she says to him. “But for some reason girls have a hard time accepting me for who I am.”

Yes, that must be it.

“I don’t think that you cause drama,” Sean says. “I think you are your own worst enemy, and you freak yourself out.”

Sean reassures Tierra that the girls can’t sway his opinion of her.

“I see her as being emotional and passionate,” he says. “I know she’s here for the right reasons.”

Sean hands out the rest of the roses — to everyone but Amanda. Wow. Girl gets the boot even though she smashed her face on the rink during roller derby. And she’s the only one leaving the house that night. Sucks to be her.

“Heartbreak is such a difficult emotion,” Amanda says. “I feel stupid.”

Next week, there is a Bachelor double-header, on Monday and Tuesday. Double the drama. Four hours. Dear lord. Who’s up for a Tierrable drinking game?