Bachelor auctions. We’ve all seen them on countless sitcoms throughout the years, right? Throngs of eager women (or men), armed with a padded wallet, ready to bid for a bout with the man or woman of their dreams. A guy unbuttons his shirt, the ladies go wild, and before you know it, he’s raking in four figures for charity.
Well as it turns out, the men of Full House aren’t the only ones exercising their right to bid on those normally unattainable. Because as Austin Monthly’s Bachelor Issue release party taught me, the art of upping-the-ante is both alive and well.
In attendance to support a friend (one of the Bachelors, the recently-crowned “funniest person in Austin,” Ramin Nazer), I fully admit that I had no idea what I was getting into when I entered the well-dressed, Kendra-Scott-clad clam-bake at the Bob Bullock Texas State History Museum. I went in thinking, “I’ll sip some free Vodka, grab a few free noms, and heck, even oogle over some eye-candy on parade.”
And while what went down wasn’t an altogether departure from my pre-conceived pop cultural notion, I’m thankful that I still have my sanity, because sh*t got real, in the name of charity.
Before mentioning anything else, it has to be said that the men in question were all more-than-worthy of their accolades. From a Rick Perry policy man, to a chef and an Esther’s Follie’s cast-member, all bases of men were covered. A veritable grab bag of handsomeness. Something for everybody.
As someone in the “creative” industry, it probably goes without saying that I’m not exactly a one-percenter. But as I stuffed my purse with the free Tiff’s Treats, I quickly realized I was amongst the minority in my pauper-like status.
As things got underway, the bids reached $350, $500 and higher, without even the bat of an eyelash. And that was child’s play. As Which Wich franchisee (and cover guy) Kevin Walden took to the catwalk, the ladies of the event were in rare form over the divorced single dad who resembles George Clooney, probably more than is technically allowed.
Eventually, his time went for a measly $2,000. TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS. FOR FOUR HOURS OF ACTIVITY. Even Julia Roberts didn’t get that much, and Vivienne was a pretty good date.
I watched these women of wealth spend more than I make in a single paycheck on an evening with a hottie, and I wondered, “Even if I could afford a night on the town with one of Austin’s elite handsome dudes, would I shell out my savings?”
The bidding women were essentially opening their wallets a good cause — and a good story. “Remember that one time, when I went mini-golfing with the owner of Bikinis?” I get it. It’s a great icebreaker; a story that’ll entertain girlfriends for years to come.
And how can I blame them? As a writer, I spend a fair amount of my time seeking the same end result. But, as a bit of a broke girl, I have to seek my stories with the sentiment of a spendthrift. Them’s the brakes.
Of course, the proceeds go to charity. And who better to benefit from the Bachelors' dating bouts than Austin's kitties and canines in need? No one, that’s who. But, seeing as I can’t exactly offer up two months’ rent to date a guy who probably has no interest in talking to me, I’m going to go ahead and tighten the old purse strings.
And with the time I’m saving by not having to primp? I’ll be the best dog walker any charity’s ever seen.