For better or worse, Complex magazine has deemed almost every bar in downtown Austin "douchey."
While I'm hesitant to subscribe to the same train of thought an ofttimes douchey magazine uses to qualify douchiness, let's consult the urban dictionary for an official unofficial definition:
Douchey; adj: One that emits striking qualities of a douchebag. Objectively speaking, most common description of complete assholes who maintain an extremely shallow personality.
Scientific analysis undisclosed by the author — an Austinite and founder of Tidbits — let us review a few of Sir Ajit D'sa's selections, which he flatteringly describes as part of "a thick artery of self-centered, entitled revelers, threatening to keep Austin more douchey than weird."
Complex is no stranger to judgy lists and some of these descriptions humorously hit the mark, but others seem so downright degrading it irks anyone with a conscious — even if they don't go to these bars ever. Like me.
Made me laugh:
On The Ranch: "The Ranch may not be the preeminent Austin spot to be man-handled, but it embodies the spirit of the first guy who noticed his hand matched the curvature of a woman’s ass."
On Champion's: “'Are you blind? You’re killin’ me, bro!' bellows the inebriated gentleman whose sports team does not seem to be receiving the proper treatment upon the scoreboard that day. For on this day it is he alone that the ref hath doth slain."
On Bikini's: "For those of you sitting at Hooters, overwhelmed by the atmosphere, and feeling pressured to live up to their code of conduct and high expectations of you, look no further than Bikini's."
Made me cringe:
On Dogwood: "But come by on a Friday or Saturday night when they turn up the Top 40 louder than it ever should be, and you'll find yourself in the center of a sweaty circle-jerk of the drunken conversation of young business school maggots."
On Fado: "Ignore your wife and children all day like a badge-wearing deadbeat while you stuff your gullet full of beer and bar foods slow-cooked with cheap beer."
Made me roll my eyes:
On Scholtz's: "Both conservative and liberal blowhards will corrupt your ear with some lame story heavy on the name-dropping and the who-really-gives-a-shit. It doesn’t get douchier than Rick Perry's entire staff, all imbibing under the same roof. If pretentiousness had a home, this would be it."
Now, if you're going to call Scholtz's pretentious, then we might have to call Chuggin' Monkey sophisticated.
Dear bar owners and West Sixth Street frequenters, don't let this hurt your feelings too much; other cities that received the scathing douche-documenting treatment from a magazine with a top 100 lists for porn stars, Megan Fox GIFs and "hottest promiscuous characters" are Philadelphia, Los Angeles, Chicago and more.
Turns out there's an embarrassing underbelly to everyone. Complex included.