To Juneau we will go

Top Chef Seattle gets cold and crabby in Alaska

Top Chef Seattle gets cold and crabby in Alaska

Top Chef Seattle, Josh Valentine
It was a slow, anecdotal show, the unfortunate result of having only four contestants left. Photo courtesy of Bravo
Top Chef Seattle, Lizzie
Yeah, the contestants really liked the crab. Photo courtesy of Bravo
Top Chef Seattle, Josh Valentine
Top Chef Seattle, Lizzie

For episode 14 of Top Chef Seattle, it's time to don your quilted parkas as the cruise ship docks in Juneau, Alaska. That means Alpine knitted caps for Padma, huskies hauling sleds, and an inevitable joke from a male contestant — Sheldon, at your service — about keeping his package warm. Sheldon, I have your package, and it is right here.

It's a slow-paced, anecdotal show, which is to be expected with only four contestants left. Whole lotta time to fill up. Dallas chef Josh frets about his wife in labor. Lizzie sheds tears for her deceased father. Brooke being Brooke thinks of Brooke. Sheldon strums his ukulele. Insert joke about watching paint dry.

 Sheldon wins the quickfire challenge, but the true winner is the audience, when Josh utters these words: "I'm done with bacon, apparently."

The quickfire challenge is crab, but the real challenge is having to endure the many many shots of the chefs licking their fingers and noshing on bites. We get it already, we'll go buy some $%&! crab.

Josh, recognizing guest judge Sean Brock as a fellow "good old country boy," decides to impress him by making succotash. Anyone care to take a guess as to what secret ingredient Josh adds to the succotash? (Hint: It begins with a "b.") But Brock is a "succotash snob" and unimpressed by bacon. (Yes! It was bacon.) Sheldon wins the challenge, but the true winner is the audience when Josh utters these words: "I'm done with bacon, apparently."

!CONFETTI!

The elimination challenge is "salmon and sourdough," which the show claims is an Alaskan thing. Huh, not San Francisco? Nope, episode 14 insists it's Alaska. Josh revels in pulling the guts out of the unfortunate salmon; he says it's the best time he's had all season. Lizzie is shown repeatedly kneading bread dough. So kneady. She does salmon sliders; everyone else makes soup.

She should've made soup. Deeming her salmon under-seasoned, the judges ship her back to the Lower 48. "It's so nice to meet you, Lizzie," Padma enunciates earnestly. Doesn't that sound like something you say when you first meet someone, and not when they're leaving?