Goodbye eyeliner goodbye

Top Chef Seattle gets very berry, but the Texas chefs take a hit

Top Chef Seattle gets very berry, but the Texas chefs take a hit

Top Chef, Danyele McPherson, John Tesar, Josh Valentine
Danyele shares eyeliner techniques with judge Tom Colicchio. Photo courtesy of Bravo
Top Chef, Danyele McPherson, John Tesar, Josh Valentine
Tesar stirs his white gazpacho, which loses against Stefan's crudo. Photo courtesy of Bravo
Top Chef, Danyele McPherson, John Tesar, Josh Valentine
Top Chef, Danyele McPherson, John Tesar, Josh Valentine

The Texas contingent takes a hit in episode 7 of Top Chef Seattle — and so too shall the price of Maybelline stock, the leading brand when it comes to eyeliner.

Yes, one of Dallas' three chef-testants gets sent home for poor execution, shrinking the Dallas three-way down to two. But let's postpone that upsetting subject with this quiz highlighting three of the night's most memorable one-liners.

  1. "I think I don't have any underwear left. I think my ass ate 'em all."
  2. "Over your head, dickhead."
  3. "I wouldn't flush my poop with it."

If you guessed 1. Josh, 2. Danyele and 3. Stefan, who btw was talking about Tesar's gazpacho, then you've earned immunity for the rest of this recap.

The quickfire is a shiny product placement bonanza: All the ingredients are mysteriously wrapped in aluminum foil. What a fun project that must have been for the interns. You suppose they recycled all that aluminum once the challenge was done? Probably not, as Top Chef has proven itself to be epically environmentally unfriendly, staging massive tasting/judging events that use all disposable plates and forks.

The elimination is a head-to-head between pairs of chefs who make a dish using the same berry: I win, you lose. The pairings all make sense: old guys Tesar vs. Stefan, Texans Danyele vs. Josh, bland Brooke vs. Bart. Tesar and Stefan deliver some valuable drama by spatting over Stefan's use of frozen tuna instead of fresh, even going so far as to make the L-shaped "loser" sign at each other. Haven't seen that since the '90s.

"I'm not throwing him under the bus, I'm making a political statement today," Tesar says. "It's the fact that it's not sustainable."

"Suck my dick," Stefan says. "Suck it hard."

After that, Micah's confession that he named his kids Saffron and Sage — and not Cinnamon and Cayenne because "those sound like stripper names" — hardly registers. As for Josh's revelation that he was on the wrestling team in high school, all you can say is, uh duh.

The loser is Danyele, whose chicken pine nut terrine is rubbery and whose blueberry mostarda is too crunchy. Willowy Kristen wins, earning her $10,000, which she'll use for a trip to her native Korea, and an unsolicited wet kiss from Stefan.