Football fantasies

What the Dallas Cowboys should be doing this weekend: Improv classes and cryogenic freezers

What the Dallas Cowboys should be doing this weekend: Improv classes and cryogenic freezers

Jason Garrett
Head coach Jason Garrett is known for a highly academic brand of football.
Dallas Cowboy Dez Bryant
Dez Bryant should spend the weekend taking healthy doses of ginkgo biloba and reviewing flashcards of his routes.  Dallas Cowboys/Facebook
Tony Romo
Tony Romo is at his best when plays break down and he is forced to improvise. 
Dallas Cowboy Jason Witten
Jason Witten, please don't change a thing.  Dallas Cowboys/Facebook
Kevin Ogletree
Kevin Ogletree had the best game of his career in week one against the New York Giants.  Dallas Cowboys/Facebook
Jason Garrett
Dallas Cowboy Dez Bryant
Tony Romo
Dallas Cowboy Jason Witten
Kevin Ogletree

One of the NFL's many great characteristics is that no matter how crappy a team plays one game, redemption is but a week away. Of course, not when it's a bye week.

The Dallas Cowboys are stuck replaying that horrible game against Chicago until October 14. The game was not pretty, and I'm sure most players would like to get on the field sooner rather than later to erase the memory of a 34-18 drubbing.

Instead, the Cowboys are left to stew for two weeks until they face the Baltimore Ravens. The new collective bargaining agreement limits how much time the Cowboys will be on the practice field at Valley Ranch, but I happen to believe in a little cross-training. Here's what five key Cowboys should be doing this weekend: 

Jason Garrett

You really won everyone over with that initial red-headed Jesus charm of yours, but even one's delight in the divine runs thin after a while. You've been patient; you've been kind. Now it's time to try some wrath of God on for size.

 Jason Garrett, you've been patient; you've been kind. Now it's time to try some wrath of God on for size.

Please check yourself into anger management for the weekend so you can learn how to channel your rage for the greater good. I know you're keen on this cool-under-the-collar, Ivy League image of yours, but this isn't a Phi Beta Kappa picnic. It's the National Football League.

The next time the camera cuts to you after Dez Bryant runs the wrong route, or the O-line forgets the rules they are paid handsomely to remember, you should be righteously angry about it, not calmly consulting your clipboard. 

Dez Bryant

When Bryant gets the play right, it's almost always a thing of beauty. The problem is that when he gets it wrong, he gets it really, really wrong.

Pick-six wrong.

No team can afford plays like that, let alone the notoriously moody Dallas Cowboys. Bryant should spend the weekend taking healthy doses of ginkgo biloba and reviewing flashcards of his routes. Excursions to NorthPark are not permitted. 

Jason Witten

Whatever lingering spleen injury effects where plaguing Witten in the first three games of the season completely disappeared against Chicago. He was a beast, pulling down high passes and diving for low ones.

Everything about Witten looked oh-so-healthy and healed last week that we hope he doesn't change a thing for October 14. Seriously, nothing can change.

 Romo should take improv classes. He needs the confidence to change plans whenever he sees fit, not just when everything goes to hell.

To ensure this, Witten should spend the weekend in a cryogenic freezer that will preserve him in the exact same form as last week. Per his sponsorship agreement, his wife may open the freezer to serve him fine meats from Albertson's

Tony Romo

Romo is at his best when plays break down and he has to improvise. This is a good thing. Quarterbacks should be playmakers, not carefully programmed robots. But Romo's only off Jason Garrett's leash when disaster strikes.

To encourage Romo to be more creative, he should spend the weekend taking improv classes. Romo needs the confidence to change plans whenever he sees fit, not just when everything goes to hell.

Kevin Ogletree

Nobody had heard of Kevin Ogletree before week one, and then the entire NFL could scarcely stop talking about him.

For some reason, after eight catches, 114 yards and two touchdowns, the Cowboys abandoned Ogletree. He was bascially a nonfactor against Seattle and Tampa Bay and made a slight appearance in the blow-out loss to Chicago.

Miles Austin and DeMarco Murray are mainstays in the Dallas offense, but Ogletree deserves to get touches as much as they do.

Ogletree should spend the weekend knocking on his teammates' doors and blowing up the coaches' phones. Maybe then they'll remember his name when they're calling plays on October 14.