holiday haters

Why be a hater: Lovers who dislike Valentine's Day

Nadia Latif and partner Jordan
Dean and Jeff Lofton
Julie Schwietert and Francisco Collazo with their daughter, Mariel

The fact that Valentine's Day is upon us causes most people to have one of two opposite reactions: Totally embracing this day to celebrate love, or feeling complete disdain for what seems a forced, manufactured "holiday."

And in case you think that most people who fall into the "anti-Valentine's-Day" category are bitter singletons who don't have a significant other with whom to toast Cupid, think again. Plenty of happily-coupled people don't care about the day, or actively take a dislike to it themselves.

"While I love a grand romantic gesture, I prefer an original gesture that's inspired by our relationship rather than a commercially-manufactured idea of what's romantic," says Dean Lofton, an Austin publicist and writer who has been married to musician and composer Jeff Lofton for six years. This year on Feb. 14, Jeff will be playing a gig at Zed's while Dean stays home writing.

"Love is much bigger than what's easily picked up from romantic comedies and the simple ideas. Imagine if our culture focused on self-love the same amount of time and energy as romantic love. So many people would be happier and have more self-confidence."

"The unexpected piece of jewelry, not prompted by massive ad campaigns, means much more to me," she says. "We also think love should be consistently expressed, not reserved for just one day."

Jeff agrees: "I prefer to get my lovin' year round."

Dean is also very aware of what lessons her ten-year-old stepdaughter is learning about love. "I want to lessen the impact of the cultural focus on romantic relationships — which is often pushed as the main focus and purpose of women's lives. Love is much bigger than what's easily picked up from romantic comedies and the simple ideas. Imagine if our culture focused on self-love the same amount of time and energy as romantic love. So many people would be happier and have more self-confidence."

It's not just Americans who feel this way, either. Across the pond, Brit Nadia Latif is even more adamant. "Our relationship is personal to us — what the hell has a designated day got to do with it? It's cheesy beyond words; I can think of no less romantic evening than one spent with thirty other couples in a stressed-out restaurant decked out with love hearts. Yuk."

She and her partner, Jordan, have been together three years and have never celebrated Valentine's Day. Nadia says it was fantastic to realize their mutual dislike of the day when their first Feb. 14 together rolled around.

"It's romance for lazy people," she states bluntly.

Kat Tancock, a writer and yoga instructor in Toronto, is also no fan of forced merriment. "I'm kind of anti-Halloween and New Year's as well, and luckily my partner agrees with me for the most part. For Valentine's Day specifically, I find it annoying that we're supposed to do something romantic with each other. Only once a year?"

"It's romance for lazy people."

She also dislikes the obligatory gift-giving aspect that comes with such holidays. (A philosophy I whole-heartedly agree with — this viewpoint has led to me being labeled a Scrooge by my family, who celebrate every single holiday with gusto, but that's another story.)

"From an environmental and economical perspective, these holidays have proliferated as an excuse to spend money, which kind of drives me crazy," Kat adds. "And every year the bar seems to go higher. My style is to be more spontaneous and give gifts and do special dinners when I feel like it, rather than when the world tells me to. It's also just so cheesy, getting flowers on Valentine's Day. It doesn't make me feel any more loved — I mean, how lame is it to expect the man in your life to buy you flowers on a certain day of the year? It's not especially creative!"

Lifestyle and relationship coach Kim Evazians says that when such expectations lead to a partner feeling forced or obligated to prove his or her feelings, it can be detrimental. "Valentine's Day isn't something we avoid. It's fine and wonderful, but if someone put that effort into a totally random day the impact would be significantly greater, because it wasn't expected at all."

Some couples seem to learn this from each other. Julie Schwietert got a lesson in both love and cultural differences from her Cuban husband, Francisco Collazo. In the first year of their relationship, Julie spent holidays silently stewing over the fact that her partner apparently did not realize these days were special; that they were supposed to be observed and recognized as days set apart from every other day of the year. "They did have Valentine's Day in Cuba, didn't they?"

By the time her birthday arrived, Julie was determined that she wasn't going to let another special day go by uncelebrated. She sulked until late afternoon, hoping Francisco would ask why she was so sullen and moody. When he finally did, she was even more livid that it had taken him so long to inquire.

"Because. It's. My. Birthday," Julie responded, every word punctuated with a period for emphasis. "And you forgot."

Francisco took the opportunity to finally explain his concept of holidays. Because he treated every day as if it was special — "And he really does," Julie adds — the days that greeting card companies and calendars and governments declared as "special" held little, if any, meaning for him. "I celebrate your birth every day," Francisco told Julie; and she knew he meant it.

"Other couples may go out for a special dinner on Valentine's Day," she says. "Maybe he'll bring her roses. But why wait for February 14? Living with Francisco helped teach me that."

And in case you're wondering about me — my partner and I don't celebrate Valentine's Day either. In fact, on this one he will be more than 9,000 miles away in Cambodia. I think we'll make our own romance, in our own way — and on a day of our choosing. If you feel the same, you might check out CultureMap's Valentine's Day events for people who hate Valentine's Day.

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work it out

Hula your way to a good time: Hoop dancing lets adults act like kids again

Hoop Church at Hot Mama's
Hoop Church class
Hoop Church Sundays

On Sunday afternoons at Hot Mama's Cafe on East 6th Street, a group of people gather for what they call “church.” There's no choir, pews or sermon — instead, a large amp plays dance music while men and women with big smiles greet each other while performing both simple and intricate dance moves with hula hoops.

There is a pastor; Michelle Amaranth, and ordained minister, is also jokingly called the “minister of hooping." Like a more traditional church, a sense of camaraderie and peacefulness pervades the space and newcomers are welcomed with open arms.

Hoop Church, as it's officially known, has been hosted by Hot Mama's for about two years now but existed in other spaces for at least three years prior to that. While the hooping community has been around in Austin for almost eight years, it's become more visible over the past three. CultureMap Austin's own launch party had a space for guests to try out hula hoops on the dance floor, and the City of Austin's New Year's Eve celebration featured dancers with lit up hoops entertaining the crowd at Auditorium Shores.

From fitness to circus arts to meditation to choreographed dance, the hooping community in Austin embraces a diversity of desires to pick up a hoop.

While traditional hula hooping is the foundation for this modern trend — think of all of those films of surprised housewives in the 50s slinging a hoop around their waists — this new iteration encompasses a much wider range of intents, movements and rhythms. From fitness to circus arts to meditation to choreographed dance, the hooping community in Austin embraces a diversity of desires to pick up a hoop.

Bethany Lynn Corey, a graduate student at the University of Texas who creates theatre for children under five, says she got into hooping because, “I needed some kind of artistic release and hooping offered me that. I found it to about a great community of people and that keeps me passionate about it.”

When asked why so many other people are also becoming passionate about hooping, she says, “It takes a lot of people back to their childhood in a really fun way and you're allowed to play as an adult.” Hoopers may have serious day jobs but Corey says, “When you come out hooping you may put on gaucho pants and put a flower in your hair... you have an interesting dichotomy [between a day job and hooping].”

Some adults may have embarrassing childhood memories of being forced to wrangle a cheap, flimsy hula hoop around her waist, of it falling again and again, of the sheer frustration of not being able to keep the damn thing up. For those people, the thought of seeking out a hula hoop might seem absurd. Why suffer the humiliation again?

According to hooping enthusiasts, the benefits are enough to outweigh the initial fear. On Hooping.org Genevieve Wachutak states, “There’s a particular joy in hula hooping: feeling the rhythm of the hoop pulling your body around, falling into beat with the music and letting it extend through you into the hoop. Not to mention the health benefits of hooping. It is terrific aerobic exercise, develops core strength, and increases flexibility... hula hooping is also a form of emotional and psychological therapy — as both a stress reliever and in developing a positive self-image.”

The Hooping Life, a new documentary, affirms this. One woman states, “I really think hooping saved my life,” while another woman talks about the hooping program she's set up to serve at-risk youth in her community. This sense of a shared community explains why the hoopers at Hot Mama's call it “church;” in an age of secularism, hooping provides an inclusive, joyful place where people can come together to connect.

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Beginner's classes offer novices a safe and non-judgmental introduction to hoop dance. HOOPCiRCLE leads classes at both Galaxy Dance Studio and Alisa's Dance Academy, and Cedar Stevens also offers beginner's classes at the Vortex Theatre's outdoor yard. For those who would like to learn more before trying out a class, www.hooping.org offers information, videos and a how-to guide for making your own hoop.

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