Ellie Scarborough and Amy Lynch are two bodacious bombshells locked & loaded with intelligent answers to all your questions about dating, love, sex, breakups and all things in between. Ellie launched a community in 2010 to help girls get through heartbreak, giving them tips, tools and inspiration to keep them moving forward without looking back. Now, she and professional partner-in-crime(s of the heart) Amy are lending their expertise to CultureMap, solving the problems of the 512's lovelorn one no-BS answer at a time.
Q: My girlfriend and I have been dating for about eighteen months now, and for the most part our relationship has been really steady. Unfortunately, I'm not so sure that she's "the one," and to make matters worse, she's way more serious (compared to myself) about our relationship. I often try to convince myself that she is "the one," but I have serious doubts. I feel like maybe I'm wasting both of our time if it's not going to work out in the long run. What should I do?
She deserves to know the truth—particularly when she's making plans to spend the rest of her life with you, and you're sitting in the emergency exit row, ready to jump
A: OK buddy, buckle up—it's going to be a bumpy ride.
While it's true that every relationship has its ups and downs—even in the healthiest of unions it's normal to step back and question the meaning of it all every once in a while—this much is true: if there's an obvious imbalance between the two of you when it comes to your ideas about your future together, you've got to open up a line of communication, and you've got to be prepared to walk away.
Here's the thing. We've each been in relationships in which we were more serious about the guy than he was about us. And although those breakups were gut-wrenching, they were necessary. In one particular instance, what hurt the most was realizing just how long he'd been having serious doubts without saying anything. He'd waited years.
Years. His hesitation to fess up about his hesitation ended up wasting an inordinate amount of time—not only our own, but also that of our family and friends, and even a few
wedding vendors, since that's how far it went before the end finally came. By far, the toughest part to get over was the knowledge of just how much time had been wasted on something that was never going to work out in the first place.
Sit her down and have a serious conversation with her about the fact that you're not so sure she's the one. It's going to hurt her. There's no way around it. But she deserves to know the truth—particularly when she's making plans to spend the rest of her life with you, and you're sitting in the emergency exit row, ready to jump.
There's no perfect formula or timeline for figuring it all out, but if we're being honest, a year and a half is a long enough period of time to be pretty sure whether you do or don't see real potential for riding off happily into the sunset with someone. And if they do while you don't, it's not okay to lead them on simply because you're waiting for a sign or hoping your doubts will magically fly away. They probably won't.
The kindest thing you can do is set her free, and explain to her explicitly that there's nothing she could have done differently. Explain that no matter how much you wish things were different, you're just not able to make a commitment to her. She deserves to be happy. You deserve to be happy. A hostage situation anything but, and that's what you're about to get into if she keeps making plans while you keep quiet.
If you care about her—and it sounds like you do—it's imperative that you explain to her your reasons for cutting the cord. It's also imperative that the two of you establish a no-fly zone between you for a good long while after the breakup. Yes, she's probably your best friend, and you, hers. Yes, it's going to hurt like hell. But pressing the bruise will only give her false hope and keep her in a holding pattern. That's no fair to anyone, least of all her.
We responded a few weeks ago to a guy who wanted to know what to do about his ex-girlfriend who couldn't let go after they split. It's a tough reality to face, which is exactly why we created
Pink Kisses to begin with: to help girls get real, get moving forward and eventually get over it. So, we're giving you
the same advice we gave him: You'll be tempted to stay friends with her. Don't. While the idea of remaining in one another's lives is lovely, it's unrealistic. She's in love with you, and your news is going to hit her harder than perhaps anything else she's ever been through. So if you truly don't want to spend the rest of your life with her, you have to completely let her go and give her time to heal. Brace yourself, and then do the right thing.
Want your question answered? Shoot an email to culturemap {at} pinkkisses {dot} com to see what the girls have to say.
