With 13 years of elected office under his belt, Rick Perry is America’s longest-serving governor. Perry announced he would not seek re-election shortly after 1 p.m on Monday in San Antonio. We agree it’s time he tried something new. And no, we’re not talking about running for president. Here are a handful of jobs that Perry would be better suited for than Governor of Texas.
1. Gun range owner/promoter. Rick Perry always has a gun at the ready. He even packs heat whilst jogging. This type of firearm dedication would be well served by a career on the gun range. His new career will give him time to star in more gun promotional videos. We’re all anxiously awaiting a sequel to his NRA introduction clip.
2. Abstinence camp director. If there’s anything Rick Perry loves more than guns, it’s trying to stop teenagers from having sex. This is a noble goal, but as evidenced by teen pregnancy rates, admittedly futile. Perry won’t let the leading body of research on sexual activities get in his way of stopping all unmarried people from doing the no-pants dance.
3. Reality TV star. Honestly, how has this not happened already? The guy is best friends with Chuck Norris. Ratings will be through the roof.
4. Herbal Essences spokesmodel. So luxurious, so perfectly coifed, Rick Perry’s hair is a force to be reckoned with. Instead of telling women what to do with their bodies, Perry should stick to the mantra of lather, rinse, repeat.
5. Ted Cruz fluffer. Despite being a Tea Party darling, Cruz has a long, arduous road to higher office. Perry would be ideally suited for keeping Cruz' spirits up on the campaign trail.