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Texas vs. Ole Miss

Longhorns lie down for Ole Miss in latest game of Texas Fold 'em

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Longhorn Jaxon Shipley
Jaxon Shipley had six catches for 83 yards, but Texas burned downs with one-yard runs. Photo courtesy of UT Athletics
Longhorns Case McCoy and Johnathan Gray
Case McCoy hands off to Johnathan Gray, whose TD contributed to UT's ephemeral first-half comeback. Photo courtesy of UT Athletics
Longhorn quarterback Case McCoy
Case McCoy was 24 of 36 for 196 yards and one TD, but the Longhorns' defense was no match for the Ole Miss juggernaut. Photo courtesy of UT Athletics
Longhorn Johnathan Gray
Running back Johnathan Gray tied up the game briefly in the first half. Photo courtesy of UT Athletics
Longhorn Mike Davis scores touchdown
Mike Davis scores 13-yard touchdown in first quarter. UT's scores were limited to the first half, but a limping Davis stayed in the game. Photo courtesy of UT Athletics
Longhorn Jackson Jeffcoat
Jackson Jeffcoat scrambles for a loose ball. Photo courtesy of UT Athletics
Longhorn Jaxon Shipley
Longhorns Case McCoy and Johnathan Gray
Longhorn quarterback Case McCoy
Longhorn Johnathan Gray
Longhorn Mike Davis scores touchdown
Longhorn Jackson Jeffcoat
Michael Corcoran

Absolutely disgraceful, the way the Texas Longhorns played last night in Mack Brown’s final season as head coach. Losing at home 44-23 to an Ole Miss team they beat by 35 points last year on the road, these Horns have more wasted talent than the Viper Room at 3 am.

Just for passing on future Heisman sensations Robert Griffin III and Johnny Manziel in favor of Garrett Gilbert and Connor Brewer, Brown’s future employment, at $5 million a year, should be questioned. But when you field a team of prized recruits — including the nation’s highest-rated defensive lineman (Jackson Jeffcoat), linebacker (Jordan Hicks) and running backs (Johnathan Gray and Malcolm Brown) — and you can’t beat anybody but low-hanging creampuffs, you’re outta there like Linda Blair.

The second half of last night’s game was Mack Brown’s Waterloo. 

Last night was Deja BYU all over again, as Ole Miss marched up and down the field in the first quarter against the Teflon D of Texas, scoring at will, like Gerard Butler at a Josh Groban concert. The folks at the table next to Manny Diaz at Buffalo Wild Wings asked him to pipe down three times.

But then something truly strange and wonderful happened during this week’s game of Texas Fold ’em. The Horns came back! The defense made a couple of stops and pounced on a fumble. Then, on offense, Johnathan the Gray Ghost started reminding us of another No. 32, darting low to the ground to pick up chunks of yardage. Texas tied it at 14 and had first and goal at the 2, but then one of the heavily tattooed young men of privilege jumped before the snap. First and 7. Then another tubby got the jitters. First and 12. After offensive coordinator Major Applevanilla called for a couple of two-yard pass plays, the Horns had to send in the Sandusky refugee for a 30-yard field goal.

After the first half closed with a field goal by Ole Miss that was delivered in a tote bag by Adrian “you can’t spell DUMB without DB” Phillips, Texas led 23-17 and would get the ball back to start the third quarter. Diaz left a nice tip (he did, after all, make about $26,000 while watching that first half) and went home thinking maybe it was his fault. The old Texas was back!

Austin was originally named Waterloo. Did you know that? The second half of last night’s game was Mack Brown’s Waterloo. Mississippi scored 27 points in the half, while Texas put up points to equal the number of children Liza Minnelli had with David Gest. Interesting to note than not one person in Texas made the point that college players should be paid while watching last night’s game. Meanwhile, Ole Miss fans were wondering if they could pay their players more.

In the area of dreadfulness, there was much to go around, but the Texas offensive line was especially bumbling, being pushed around like they were fans between Justin Bieber and the bathroom. After studding-out in the first half, they ended up creating holes the Barton Springs salamander couldn’t slither through. Two trenchmen went down with injuries, let’s be fair about that, but there was 6’6” 320 pound Desmond Harrison just standing on the sidelines, rarin’ to come in. That’s the danger of gaining eligibility through online courses: he couldn’t remember his password.

When Ole Miss started the second half with two 80-yard touchdown drives, UT answered with a pair of three-and-outs. Wide receiver Mike Davis was limping like Chester from Gunsmoke, and he stayed in the game to give Case McCoy the sense of security booze gives to the Lohan family. The vaunted McCoy-to-Shipley II had a couple of nice hookups, but the slimmed-down Major Eggwhites kept burning the first two downs with one-yard plunges. He’s got the imagination of a bricklayer into Bon Jovi.

On defense, the Horns again couldn’t cover the corners, with all the linebackers and DEs bunched in like the center dropped a Beyonce sex tape. I’ve seen better pursuit on a “Cops” blooper reel. And on offense, the big boys up front played like they’ve never seen a weight room.

Before the game, the big news from Chip Brown of Orangestool was that DeLoss Dodds was hanging up the Lou Holtz hairpiece at the end of the year. It’s likely that Mackovic Brown, since UT’s paying him anyway and he’s a helluva nice guy, will step into the athletics director job. Sorry, women’s volleyball, that’s the way it has to be.

We’re going to need a new head football coach at the end of what looks to be a 4-9 season. Someone who bases his coaching style on the first half of Full Metal Jacket.

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