Terror Tuesday: Never Too Young to Die


It may not be a horror movie exactly, but it is THE BEST MOVIE YOU’LL SEE ANYWHERE...EVER.

Gene Simmons (that guy from Kiss with the long tongue) is Velvet von Ragnar, a supervillainous hermaphrodite overlord bent on world domination. Following the death of his heroic nemesis, Ragnar and his/her army of feral new wave warriors seem destined for victory. That is, until private school acrobat Lance Stargrove (John Stamos!) teams up with former Prince ingenue Vanity to bring down Ragnar’s genitally-overdriven domination empire! See Stamos kickbox a mohawked bodybuilder named Pyramid! See Gene Simmons perform a sultry cabaret act in a lace teddy!

This crippled epic is a flooring example of defiantly defective action filmmaking. Not only does it require nothing from its audience, actors or crew, but it compels you to punch a hole in your forehead, remove your brain and set it on fire in a celebration of unbridled 12-year-old adrenaline, as every creative standard is compromised in the name of undiluted entertainment.



Alamo Drafthouse - Ritz
320 E. 6th St.
Austin, TX 78701


Tickets: $1.00
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