Life Advice

Emotional Hardbody answers: Daughter's secret cell phone highlights parentaldisconnect

This week, we're pleased to introduce our new advice columnist, Emotional Hardbody. For the first installment, she takes on complicated family issues, broken promises and stealthy behavior.

Dear Emotional Hardbody,

I have an eight-year-old daughter, Becca. Becca’s father and I have been divorced for two years and we have joint custody. Our divorce was pretty contentious (code: blood bath), but things have calmed down, especially over the last year.

I have always strongly believed that unless there is a compelling need, kids should not have cell phones until they are at least in middle school. My opinion (backed by research) is that when little kids get cell phones strictly for social reasons, that can usher in adolescence prematurely.

When we were married, my ex and I were in complete agreement on this. And post-divorce he never indicated to me that he changed his mind on the issue.

The other day Becca’s cousin (14-years-old) texted me to ask what Becca’s cell phone number was. Long story short, I found out that Becca has had a cell phone at her dad’s house for over six months. Not only did everyone know this but me, Becca went to considerable effort to see to it that I remained in the dark.

I cannot tell you how furious this makes me. I confronted my ex about this, but he refused to take the phone away from Becca. How can I convince him the importance of keeping his word?

- Hung up on cell phones for kids

Dear Hung up,

In a perfect world, you and your ex would coordinate on parenting Becca and present a united front. But if the world were perfect, every marriage would be so terrific that no one would get a divorce.

The fact that the world’s not perfect doesn’t mean that divorced parents can’t employ a consistent approach to parenting, of course. But the fact that your ex 1. knew how you felt about the cell phone issue, 2. proceeded to get Becca a phone without giving you a head’s up, and 3. was complicit in Becca’s efforts to keep this a secret from you? Well, all of that indicates that your estimated wait time for a coordinated approach to co-parenting is approximately as long as Becca’s remaining years under your roof.

First, accept the charges on this incoming call: Your right to tell your ex how to parent Becca terminated when you two got a divorce. The sooner you get this message, the better.

What your ex doesn’t seem to realize is that while this may earn him some popularity points right now, it could cost him dearly in the long run. This experience has provided Becca with training on how to deceive a parent — a lesson that will most likely come back to bite him at a time when far more is on the line than a cell phone.

So, what can you do? First, accept the charges on this incoming call: Your right to tell your ex how to parent Becca terminated when you two got a divorce. The sooner you get this message, the better.

Next, email your ex what you feel is the most persuasive article on the risks involved with giving young kids cell phones. But don’t blow up his inbox with every article on the topic. And don’t editorialize. Just send one article and leave it at that.

Finally, turn your attention to keeping the lines of communication open with Becca. Explain to her why you feel it’s important for her not to have a cell phone until she’s older. Don’t squander any of your valuable minutes going on about how you think it’s wrong for her to have a phone at her dad’s house. And don’t talk about how her dad always agreed with you until you guys got a divorce and he wanted to curry favor with her. Keep the focus on why you feel the way you do.

Then let her know that while having different rules at each house is acceptable, secrets between the two houses are not. If her dad has a rule that is different than yours on a topic that she knows is important to you — or vice versa — she should tell each of you about the inconsistency. That way each parent can have the chance to explain the reasoning behind the rule.

This probably won’t be the last time that you and your ex disagree on how to parent Becca. But the approach I’ve outlined can provide a plan for working through future differences, too.

The most important thing to remember is this: When future instances arise that expose that you and your ex are operating on different parenting frequencies, rather than regarding it as interference with each other, see it as an opening to communicate further with Becca.

And when an opportunity like that calls, you don’t want to miss it.

Stay strong and healthy,

Emotional Hardbody

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Got a hard question? Get an Emotional Hardbody answer. Email your questions to Christina, and you could be featured in an upcoming article.

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Red Light

San Antonio leads Texas on ending horse-drawn carriage rides by 2030

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Horses will no longer pull carriages on the streets of downtown San Antonio.

San Antonio has pulled off something that the rest of Texas has yet to do, but it didn't come without some contentious conversations. City Council has unanimously voted (with one abstention) to phase out the use of horse-drawn carriages over the next five years. That means by January 1, 2030, there will be none on the streets at all; instead, there will be electric carriages.

These plans have been in the making since 2022 — if not always at the same level of intensity — when District 2 Councilmember Jalen McKee-Rodriguez and District 3 Councilmember Phyllis Viagran wrote up some concerns about the horses' wellbeing. A special session at the end of October 2024 hinted to San Antonians that the end for this practice was neigh — sorry, nigh — and the final vote was made on December 12. In addition to accepting the plan, it extended its timeframe by two years.

The initial proposal included worries about the horses' exposure to traffic and pollution, as well how their presence might exacerbate those issues for the environment at large by slowing traffic. It also raised concerns about the effects of standing or walking on hard surfaces for too long, or spending time in extreme weather.

At the December 12 meeting, San Antonians gave impassioned speeches about animal welfare — both to call attention to the need for better conditions and to defend the reputations and jobs of current horse drivers — but it wasn't the first time the council heard from the public about the issue.

In a prior city survey, 50,476 respondents weighed in. Of those respondents, 51.98 percent said they liked the idea to "Transition horse-drawn carriages to electric carriages and pedicabs and ban horse drawn carriages completely." There were alternative solutions listed, but respondents were less drawn to them.

A cultural divide emerged in the data and continued in the December meeting: some people avoided the carriages because they worried about the treatment of the horses, while others enjoyed them because of their historical echoes and living legacy. Many speakers in favor of the plan used this to form their argument, raising questions about history versus progress.

More tangible objections to the plan hinged on the businesses — specifically five companies — and jobs that would be lost, which was the main factor behind extending the adjustment period.

Discussions about the particulars of the electric vehicles are still to come, as confirmed in the discussion near the end of the meeting. Councilmember Jalen McKee-Rodriguez addressed concerns about what would happen to the horses, mentioning the Brady Hunter Foundation as a future partner in finding them rescue homes.

Some council members also brought up rhetorical questions about animal exploitation by groups like Sea World, the San Antonio Stock Show & Rodeo, military and police forces, and even various groups in the Fiesta parade, although these did not come with a formal motion to pick the issues up.

This decision could have a ripple effect on other Texas cities. Dallas has recently considered a similar ban, but it appears to have stalled; Austin's attempts at a ban have been unsuccessful, but according to the Austin-American Statesman, only one operator is permitted to bring horses downtown. She declines to do so because the long hours are unfair to her and the horses. Houston does have horse-drawn carriages, and there seems to be little conversation about banning them.

Cities like Chicago and Salt Lake City have led the charge in the United States with some of the most prominent successful bans. Other cities around the world with bans include Brussels and Guadalajara, which both switched to electric models. Bans that have been around for years, like Guadalajara's and Prague's, still aren't out of the woods — people are still pushing back on the decision, so it sounds like San Antonio still has much work cut out for it.

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