I recently started a new business called Emotional Hard Body Divorce Boot Camp. It’s a coaching service that teaches men and women how to stay calm, be positive and not make stupid mistakes when they’re going through a divorce. About once a month I like to send out a marketing piece; lately, I’ve been targeting divorce attorneys, figuring they are in a good position to know which of their clients could use some help.

When it comes time to developing the marketing piece for any given month, I consider whether there’s a holiday that I can use for thematic inspiration. In December, for example, I sent a Christmas card. My logo appeared on the front of the card with the phrase: “All is calm….” On the back of the card it said, “Keeping spirits light while getting through the fight.”

When it came time to work on January’s piece, I got out my calendar and was delighted to see that Martin Luther King, JR. Day was right smack in the middle of the month. I came up with a piece that had a picture of Dr. King on the front, with the phrase “Do you have a dream, too? A dream that one day your clients won’t make stupid mistakes that cost time and money…and then complain about your bill?” On the back of the card it said: “March them over to Emotional Hard Body Divorce Boot Camp. We’ll keep them civil while you protect their rights.”

I was so excited about this piece I could hardly wait to order a bazillion of these postcards and mail them out to every family lawyer in the whole wide world. But first things first. I had a phone message from Clint that I needed to return. As soon as he answered the phone, I told him all about the brilliant marketing piece I had just designed.

“Please tell me you’re kidding,” he said.

“Kidding? About what?” I replied.

“Christina, that’s a terrible idea.”

Terrible? Really? Clint and I don’t think exactly alike all the time, of course, but usually our senses of humor synch up. We both love the Onion and our favorite TV shows are the Colbert Report and the Daily Show. How could he think this obviously awesome piece was terrible?

“I think there’s a huge chance that lots of people will not only think that card isn’t funny, they will actually be offended by it,” Clint explained.

That thought had never occurred to me. The way I had been looking at it, if I wouldn’t hesitate to riff off other holidays like Christmas, Valentine’s Day or Fourth of July; why wouldn’t I put MLK Day on equal footing?

“Look, I think the message you would be sending with that card is that you're making light of Dr. King’s struggle and trying to capitalize on a holiday that commemorates the life of the slain civil rights leader. “

Well, when he put it like that…

Suddenly, my genius piece sounded pretty terrible. Trusting that this was yet another area where Clint’s judgment was better than mine, I scrapped the idea and went back to the drawing board.

You may have guessed by now that I don’t have a degree in marketing. But despite my lack of formal training in this regard, my common sense tells me this much: when it comes to advertising, it’s not enough just to catch someone’s attention — you need to make a positive impression, too. Otherwise you’re spending money to actually hurt your business. And even a non-math person like me can figure out that’s a bad return on your investment.

In an attempt to maximize my chances of getting it right the next time, I gave some thought to marketing pieces that have left a negative impression on me and I was surprised at how many examples came to mind. The following is a list of negative messages and the ads that communicated them to me:

I’m better than everyone else. When it comes to trying to appeal to women who think they’re better than everyone else, L’Oreal truly is better than everyone else. L’Oreal’s famous slogan, “Because I’m worth it,” says it all. Women who buy and use L’Oreal products because of this slogan (rather than in spite of it) may have great looking hair, but they have forfeited some of their inner beauty in the process.

Over the past decade, the marketing minds at L’Oreal have tried to soften this message a little. First, they toned down the brassiness by changing it to, “Because you’re worth it.” More recently, they changed it again — this time to “Because we’re worth it,” presumably in an attempt to cover over the “better than you” highlights with an overall more inclusive hue. But no matter how you color it, there’s no hiding the ugly arrogance at the root of this appeal.

I have a duty to treat myself luxuriously. Last fall I got a postcard in the mail that told me I owed it to myself to test drive a new Mercedes Benz today. This was extra pressure I didn’t need. My days are pretty busy as it is with work, keeping the house in order and shuttling Hannah to and from school and ballet. Now, on top of all that, if I didn’t also make time to swing by the Mercedes dealership to test drive an expensive new car I can’t afford, I was somehow short-changing myself. And I thought as long as I picked up some L’Oreal products at the grocery store, I was demonstrating that I was sufficiently into myself.

I’m shallow. A few years ago I got a marketing piece from a real estate agent who specialized in high-end homes. On the front of the card was a photo of the agent leaning on a Hummer that was parked in front of a huge house. This photo struck me as odd. I understood the agent being in the photo; after all, when you’re a real estate agent, having a photo of yourself plastered on everything from your car all the way down to your business card is standard operating procedure. (And apparently, the more glamorous you look in the shot, the better qualified you are to sell expensive houses.) Only actors and models — people who actually make a living based on their looks — seem as convinced as real estate agents that the mass-distribution of images of themselves is a business must.

So, I understood. This agent was in the business of selling luxury residential real estate; therefore her photo had to appear on this marketing piece. Then I got to the last couple of lines of the post card: “So, what are you waiting for? Let’s hop in the Hummer and go find your new home!”

I knew in that instant that if the day ever came when I did need a real estate agent to show me luxury homes, this agent would be the last person I would call —for a lot of reasons, but here were my top two:

1. She thinks I’m so shallow that the idea of hopping in her Hummer is something that would appeal to me, when in reality I don’t want to hop in her Hummer — or anyone else’s, for that matter.

2. If she were my agent, people would assume I am the kind of person with whom this sort of marketing piece resonates. In other words, they would think I’m the kind of person that likes to hop in Hummers. Have I mentioned I don’t like Hummers? Because I don’t.

I love money. Why do so many ads for businesses like car dealerships or furniture stores involve footage of someone throwing money at me? I don’t like it when people throw things at me — even things that are designed to be thrown — like balls, for example. Nor do I like photos of money — whether it’s a shot of a single dollar bill or lots of dollar bills arranged in stacks or piles. And footage that makes it appear that currency is falling from the sky like some sort of freak weather phenomenon is very unsettling to me. These ads make me think that (a) the people at this establishment like to throw things, (b) bizarre things fall from the sky around this business, or (c) the owner of the business thinks I get really excited at the mere image of money. Any which way, this store is the last place I want to go.

So, what kind of marketing piece did I end up going with for January? I settled on a postcard that featured a photo of a box of chocolates and this statement on the front: “Practicing family law is like a box of chocolates. You never know when you’re going to get a nut.” The back of the card had my logo and the saying, “You do the legal work. We’ll do the hand holding.”

What message does this piece send? I hope it’s this: I’m offering real help for you and your clients, but I’m not above having a little fun along the way. I like the piece okay, I guess. But next month is February and you should see the awesome postcard I have planned for President Lincoln’s Birthday!