Please, John, not on Christmas!

Groundbreaking, gay-canonized filmmaker John Waters knocks over the Christmas tree on Austin tour stop

Whether it's a tradition or your weirdest Christmas yet, John Waters is sharing advice on how to do the holiday right — his way.

Photo by Greg Gorman

Another year has gone by under the shrewd gaze of Gay Father Christmas Meltdown, legendary filmmaker John Waters. The iconoclastic, charismatic fast talker made a career out of celebrating extremes (in movies like the shocking Pink Flamingos, and the mostly mainstream Hairspray), ultimately developing the cinematic benchmarks of camp for many admirers, whether they realize it or not. Not for the first time by any stretch, Christmas is Waters’ muse in his annual standup performance, “A John Waters Christmas,” which he's bringing to Austin's Paramount Theatre on December 5.

In the same way straight viewers love claiming Die Hard as a Christmas movie, gay viewers have John Waters to thank for images of a Christmas tree toppling onto a shrieking mother in Female Trouble. They may be surprised to learn this episode sprung from Waters’ actual early Christmas memories, which include the year the tree fell on his grandmother. Since fame shifted the way the world interacts with the filmmaker, he has garnered plenty of festive new stories to tell, from nieces and nephews accidentally picking lewd shirts from his collection of uncensored press mailers to details on the blacklisted dangerous toys he buys himself.

Every year, Waters rewrites his standup Christmas show to make sure the content stays fresh, and while the holiday season is propped up against 70 minutes of rude jokes, the writer makes it clear it’s all out of love. CultureMap chatted with Waters ahead of his upcoming tour, discussing what’s too vulgar — even for him — on Thanksgiving; where to steal Christmas presents; and the genre-defining nerve of individuals with a vision. (Editor's note: This conversation contains sexual language, and has been edited for length and readability.)

CultureMap: Do you think it's important or just fun to have an alternative Christmas canon?
John Waters: Well, I think it's important to have a plan for Christmas, no matter what it is, because even if you hate it or love it or whatever, you can't avoid it — it's coming at you. This year nothing works anymore … and I think Christmas is the same. So rather than despair, I'm going to tell you how to fix it in a more ludicrous way … even though most people might not follow my advice.

CM: I think Austin will listen to you, because Austin loves being weird.
JW: Austin’s always been a great audience for me, so I’m happy to be coming there again. … I’ll always be the Chainsaw Massacre fan while I’m there. When I first was there, I met [Tobe Hooper], and he gave me a skull from the movie that I still have sitting right here on my desk.

CM: What’s one of the weirder holiday traditions you’ve seen that’s not yours?
JW: In Maryland, they always have sauerkraut for some reason. When I grew up and had Thanksgiving somewhere else, I was [wondering] where’s the sauerkraut? I don't know why, I guess maybe there's German people? I find it a little creepy to see mothers fist-f*cking turkeys with stuffing ... I always look away from that. It's too much for me.

CM: Do you remember a really wonderful gift, or a terrible gift — or both — that you've received?
JW: I can remember both, because Divine once gave me a beautiful cashmere throw blanket that he might have stolen, that I still have. And I used to say, ‘Are stolen presents better?’ But it depends where you stole it from. If you stole it from a large chain store that has [homophobic] politics, then yes; if you didn't, and stole it from a little shop, it's wrong. The worst present sometimes can be fun. We used to do a sort of thing where you drew a name and then … you pick the present they would hate the worst, and it's a really fun way to have a Christmas.

CM: Do you remember what that was, for you?
JW: Yes, I got two soundtracks to both Rocky movies. And I did throw them out the window, which was a mistake because I lived on the seventh floor of a high rise at the time. I don't think it hit anybody, but it wasn't very responsible. Suppose on Christmas Eve you had been murdered by a flying Rocky soundtrack.

CM: You said that the Christmas season doesn’t change, and you can’t change that it’s coming. How has the Christmas show changed over the years?
JW: I completely rewrite it. I just finished it yesterday. It always has to be up to date, because things change so much. The last show had COVID in it, but people are sick of talking about COVID. There can be a [current events] joke in there that happened that morning on the plane. I try to keep it very up to date, because a lot of people come every year. I want to give them a new show every year.

CM: How many newcomers do you think come each year?
JW: I think they get younger and younger. My audience gets younger and younger, which is the ultimate flattery.

CM: I heard that sometimes you said parents will bring their kids.
JW: Well, that's what’s really weird. When I was younger, parents called the police … and now they bring their children. My sisters used to say to me, ‘I’m not sitting next to Mom when you say that shit.’ I always warn people when they bring in their kids, you might not want to. Because, do you talk about rimming with your children? I work blue. That’s what they used to call it. People always say, "My parents gave me Pink Flamingos." I say, "They did?!" My parents never even saw Pink Flamingos, and they paid for it, and I paid them back.

CM: What do you do when you’re not in the mood to write? How do you get into the Christmas spirit?
JW: The Christmas spirit and writing are very different. I write Monday to Friday because that’s my job, and if I don’t, I’d have to go get a real job and work for somebody else. I’m like a drag queen on Halloween. I’m working if it’s Christmas. But then right when the tour is over I go with my family … so I do have a private-life Christmas that’s fairly functional. But it’s weird when I’m on the tour and I look out and see and think "God, it’s Christmas for real. It seems like this play I’m in, or something."

CM: Which part of it feels surreal to you?
JW: Well, that’s a word that’s so overused these days, and I know what you mean, but it’s just — I’ll be in an airport and I’ll see people rushing and I think, where would I go Christmas shopping. In an airport? … There is no time off. I don’t live in the real world. And people say, ‘How is it?” I don’t know what it’s like; I’m never in it.

CM: This is a one-man show, and you’re known for having a muse, but you’re writing about a huge tradition. What inspires you about individuals?
JW: Individuals: that they have the nerve to do something, that even though most everything that changes in the arts is originally hated, and got bad reviews, and it outrages the public. And I don’t mean we’re shock value, it’s just — I mean, minimalism, think about that, just really infuriated people when they first saw it. Andy Warhol with the soup cans. He put abstract expressionists out of business in one night! Just like the Beatles did to Motown. So I’m always amazed at people that have the nerve, like Cy Twombly, that just gave people those scribble drawings when he was young…. Little did they know they’d be worth millions of dollars, and be so beautiful later.

CM: Do you ever feel burdened by having to carry the weirdness for other people?
JW: No, because I don’t concentrate on that all the time. Ever since Pink Flamingos came out, I never tried to top that ending. I never did. That was it. Then, you’re trying too hard, and that’s the ultimate sin.

CM: I read that you have a lot of books in your house. Do you have any favorite Christmas books and movies?
JW: I have one called How to Eat Your Christmas Tree, and it’s for real. It’s brand new. But my all-time favorite book ever is called Extreme Ironing, and it’s pictures of people, like, ironing on speed boats or on mountain tops. I’m still completely perplexed by it. I have it down where my housekeeper is. She sees it and laughs. And every time I see her ironing I say, "Are you sure you don’t want to go out and do that on the top of the car while I’m driving?"

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John Waters is visiting Austin for “A John Waters Christmas” on December 5 at 8 pm, at the Paramount Theater. Tickets (starting at $25) are available at austintheatre.org.

film theater comedy celebrities holidays

Belles of the Ballroom

9 Austin bar and venue experts take over popular Old Austin space near UT

29th Street Ballroom/Facebook

Changes are coming at the 29th Street Ballroom, but the goal is to preserve what already makes it special.

The evolution continues at the 29th Street Ballroom, the music venue formerly attached to Spider House Café. It's no secret, Resound Presents CEO and co-founder Graham Williams says, that he and a large team of other industry pros are taking over the space; but now they're ready to talk about what comes next for the venue and adjoining bar.

Although Spider House Café closed in 2020, the Ballroom stayed open, and has continued serving University of Texas students and anyone else who wants to see a show outside of the ordinary: punk shows, burlesque revues, fundraisers, and more. It'll stay open through most of the renovations, scheduled through January of 2025, and is expected to hold a grand opening in March.

Now Resound — one of Austin's top live music organizers, which was itself born from the ashes of another Austin institution — is lending two of its co-founders to managing the space going forward: Williams and Ian Orth. They're joining seven other team members from venues around town, many of them overlapping: Amy Mullins, Brian Tweedy, Jason McNeely, John Yaklin, and Shannon LeBoeuf of Hotel Vegas, Chess Club, Kinda Tropical, Tweedy’s, and Yellow Jacket Social Club, in varying capacities; and Brian Buscemi and Mike Sanchez of the Little Darlin’.

Williams emphasizes that although things will be changing at the Ballroom, the goal isn't to change anything people already love.

"Over the next few months as we kind of ease into the spring, we're using this downtime to revitalize things, decorate, revamp some of the stuff in the venue and the bar, and just kind of get things moving in the right direction," Williams says, "taking what's already popular about the venue and just adding to it, really."

Bar updates
The biggest shift will be turning the bar from an accessory to live shows into its own entity that's open even when there's nothing else going on. Amy Mullins, best known as a co-owner of Yellow Jacket Social Club, is overseeing that transition. She's never operated a venue that is primarily focused on music, and has been enjoying learning more about how to do it; she even worked the door recently when a staff member called out sick.

Mullins echoes Williams in assuring that the change is more about logistics than tone. It'll still feel like Old Austin, but she does express a hope to run more than the "typical venue bar," handing out simple drinks as quickly as possible. She's working on a new menu that includes wine, beer, craft cocktails, and non-alcoholic options like tea, kombucha, or mocktails. Regardless of what's on the schedule on any given night, Mullins says the menu will stay the same.

"There's no drink too complicated for us to make, however busy we are," she says.

Food options
Another goal for the team will be making sure the space works when there's not someone onstage to crowd around. They'll expand the front and side patios and create a food truck food court that features the same trucks that are there now, plus one newcomer. All in all, that includes Yalla Burger & Wings, Gyro Center, Li’l Nonna’s Vegan Pizzeria, Guppy’s Indian Fried Chicken, Waylon J’s BBQ, and Ay Chihuahua Tacos.

The expanded patio will connect to Tweedy's Bar next door, which also has its own food trucks. The idea is to create a space to hang out after shows that feels fit for the purpose. It's possible to stick around after events now, but the layout does create a vague feeling of loitering.

Artist and fan-friendly tweaks
On the entertainment side, Williams says some of the renovations include putting in a new sound system, redoing the green room, updating the facade, and repainting signs. Since the winter is a slower time for live music, they'll be taking advantage of the extra time to work on things before packing the calendar with more events than before. Resound will handle most of the bookings in live music, comedy, and DJ sets, welcoming both national and local talent.

Whatever the details end up being, this team has proved to Austinites that they know how to run venues worth visiting. And since they're all friends and business partners on multiple levels, it sounds like having this many cooks in the kitchen just isn't an issue.

"Some of us have been roommates and known each other since we were young," says Williams. "It's a good mix of people who are all very like minded, so a lot is being brought to the table per decision. So yeah, it's it's really exciting. Sometimes that's not the case. .... But with this project, it's a lot of really great, creative people that are good at what they do [and] they trust each other."

bars live music concerts comedy