Ellie Scarborough and Amy Lynch are two bodacious bombshells locked & loaded with intelligent answers to all your questions about dating, love, sex, breakups and all things in between. Ellie launched a community in 2010 to help girls get through heartbreak, giving them tips, tools and inspiration to keep them moving forward without looking back. Now, she and professional partner-in-crime(s of the heart) Amy are lending their expertise to CultureMap, solving the problems of the 512's lovelorn one no-BS answer at a time.
Q:
I'm getting over a breakup and really need some advice. We were together for two years and he wanted to keep it quiet, but after a year I let some people know, and he did a bit too. Now that he feels it's no longer a secret, he's moved on to his next secret affair. Those who knew about me say he's "repainting the picture," as he calls it. His new girlfriend is doing all she can to make the break up difficult on me. I would love to not see them at all, but unfortunately we run in the same circles. I need to be able to live my life without him, heal from the breakup, which is mine alone since to him I never happened. My friends and family are so angry about this, they're actually making it harder on me. He's not married, but has a high profile job, and the woman he's now dating works in a high profile position too at the same organization, so he gets to have another secret with high risk... I guess that's his thing. I really need to know how to be around this man and his woman with some grace and dignity without falling apart.
A:
Life's too short to spend it living in someone else's world. You're not just some secondary character in his past; you're the star of your own life.
First of all, any relationship that has to be kept a secret for some reason is inherently unhealthy on some level. It goes against our need to express ourselves, our joy, and all the awesome stuff that comes along with a great pairing. The fact that he felt the need to be with you in secret is an automatic red flag to us that he's not a great guy in general -- much less a great guy for you. Sure, there's a thrill that comes with doing something that feels illicit -- but it's hollow, and it fades. You deserve more than a momentary rush. A lot more.
So, you say you run in the same circles... but is there truly nothing you can do to change that? Even if there are professional ties you can't break among your mutual acquaintances, you absolutely have the power to widen your social circle, and frankly, it's imperative that you do. You need new friends, new experiences and new adventures to keep you moving forward (and make leaving him behind easier in the process). The best way to do that? Volunteer. Find an organization dealing with a cause you care about, and figure out how to volunteer with them. If you need a kickstart, check out
volunteermatch.org or a similar site to show you what's out there in your community. You'll meet new people, do something positive and feel better about yourself and the world in the process. It's a win-win, hands down.
And while you're at it, start taking back your own thoughts, reactions and even the environment around you, too. This is your life; you get to choose who and what you let into it. Build a playlist of songs that make you feel empowered. Delegate a friend or two you can text, call or email instead when you feel like contacting him. Vary your routines and start going to different restaurants, coffee shops, and such than the ones you went to with him, and start finding your own little groove. Subtly change the sights and sounds around you so you're distancing yourself from your experiences with him and rebuilding new ones on your own terms. Life's too short to spend it living in someone else's world. You're not just some secondary character in his past; you're the star of your own life. Give yourself a little time to heal, and then get back out into the world and hold your head high. Never mind how he's "repainting the picture," as you say. You've got your own deliciously blank canvas ahead of you, so paint it however you please.
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