So some enterprising Cowboys fan named Steven M. of Georgia petitioned President Obama to remove Jerry Jones as owner and GM of the team. Before being taken down, it garnered around 3,500 signatures — nothing compared to recent Texas secession petition.
These online petitions are getting a little frivolous (though that hasn’t stopped us from wondering ‘what if?’). Signing a petition online really takes out the excitement of getting pestered at malls or on the sidewalk.
Still, if petitions are going to inundate our newsfeed and Twitter stream, here are a few that are worth our keystrokes:
1. Cowboys must draft offensive linemen with their first four picks in next year’s draft. The Cowboys have given up 26 sacks this season, and it would probably be more if Romo wasn’t such a scrambler. Still, that’s not exactly the skill you want your QB to be showing off all the time. Add to that the worst rushing game in the league and it’s pretty clear that this O-line needs some serious work. Maybe someone like Chance Warmack out of 'Bama, for starters.
2a. The day after Thanksgiving shall be known as the day after Thanksgiving (or Friday). We won’t even say the title of the pseudo-holiday that is poised to overtake Thanksgiving, but this insanity has got to stop, people. I meant it. You’re acting like the offspring of zombies and the humans from Wall*E.
2b. Christmas decorations must wait until the day after Thanksgiving (or Friday). We just like keeping holidays separated.
3. Sriracha must develop packets for their sauce. Okay, so technically these things already exist, but why aren’t they everywhere, right now?
We want to be able to swipe 30 of these from the McDonald’s condiments bar, not spend $3 ordering them online.
4. Nashville ‘Country’ will now be known as ‘Southern Pop Rock.’ Taylor Swift does not make country music any more fun. Carrie Underwood is Kelly Clarkson with Christian undertones (who, by the way, was nominated for CMA female vocalist of the year.) Kenny Chesney is Jimmy Buffett in a cowboy hat. Enough.
5. In honor of Larry Hagman, a larger-than-life statue will be erected downtown facing towards Southfork. Mostly in respect for Mr. Hagman, but also because we don’t have any idea where Southfork is. Is it to the east? The south? The infallible Wikipedia says, “Southfork Ranch is a conference and event center located in Parker, Texas, U.S., about 25 mi (40 km) north of Dallas.” North, eh? No one is going to remember that. We need the statue ASAP.