Guaranteed satisfaction: The very specific Valentine's Day gift guide
When you're shopping for that special someone, do you ever wonder who on earth would want all of the other ill-advised crap that gets mass produced for various holidays? Someone must buy it and someone else must love it, because otherwise the holiday aisle at HEB would be a much less interesting collection of candy, stuffed animals and holiday-themed Tupperware.
This Valentine's Day, we've carefully researched why these gifts exist and who they are for in the hopes that we can all make someone else ecstatically happy on Feb. 14.
Monogamy and promisQous wines: Anyone can give some fancy, schmancy bottle of wine on a romantic holiday, but it takes an independent thinker to grab this matched set off the shelves of Target. The side-by-side bottles conjure up images of sly, swinging couples letting each other know the agenda for the evening using the secret language of labels. If promisQuous is uncorked, throw those car keys in the bowl and let the party start.
Who it's for: That one dude who always asks if you think his wife's hot.
Candy Bra: Did anyone actually like candy necklaces? They were chalky, not very sweet and felt they could crack a tooth. Now you can take all that 80s nostalgia, put it against your naughty bits and let someone else can chew it off. If you don't have breasts, don't despair — there's a candy g-string and “posing pouch” as well. Trick or treat! Wait, wrong holiday...
Sports Themed Boxes of Chocolate:These days, chocolate isn't enough — in fact, if you give someone a plain, boring box of chocolate, they could be forgiven for throwing them away and erasing all your phone contacts. The only to prove that you really, truly know someone is to buy them a box of chocolates shaped like a football, because that is what their soul is shaped like. Unless they like basketball or baseball — but even if they do, don't worry. Russell Stover makes a whole line of boxes shaped like sports balls and for Valentine's Day they are also shaped like hearts. Basketball hearts!
Who it's for: That sports fan who constantly shushes you for asking legitimate questions during any and all games but then gets angry when you don't know what's going on.
Luxury Condoms: Valentine's Day in the middle of an ongoing recession is the best time to spend extra money on something you'll use once (please only use it once) and then throw away. Everyone wants to be in the one percent, and now we can all pretend by spending over fifty dollars on a box of twelve condoms. Although that's forty dollars more than a box of Trojans, luxury condoms don't offer any more protection against pregnancy or STIs than their cheaper counterparts. People who use them are one hundred percent more smug, however, despite having spent a bunch of money on something that is actually not worth it.
Who it's for: Those bankers who drank champagne while watching Occupy Wall Street from their office balcony.
Bittersweet Bathroom Scale: Why give a woman a box of chocolates when you can instead give her a picture of a box of chocolates — on a bathroom scale? That way every time she weighs herself, she can ponder the inevitability of gender stereotyping in today's society which assumes that she cares only about chocolate and her weight.
Who it's for: No one, actually. Do not give this to anyone.
Blue Bell's Chocolate Covered Strawberry Ice Cream: This one's actually a pretty good idea. It's much cheaper than actual chocolate covered strawberries from Amy's and probably more hygienic than the ones that the guys sell out of coolers on the side of South Congress. Plus it comes in a half gallon so even if you share it with someone else, you'll both get plenty. This could be the gift you give yourself as a reward for not buying any of the other items on this list. It's in the freezer at the Hancock Center HEB right now. Let's go.
Who it's for: All of us! Unless you're lactose intolerant. Or don't eat sugar... or corn syrup. Check with your doctor before purchasing.