Time to Crystal Lighten Up!
Hold the (pink sparkly "smart") phone, ladies! I just received a very important news flash! It was delivered to me in the form of a television commercial for Crystal Light.
In case you haven’t seen it, the ad features two young professional women on an airplane. One of them — I’ll call her Crystal — is drinking Crystal Light. The other one — I’ll call her Claire — questions Crystal’s choice of beverage.
“It’s almost bikini season,” Crystal replies in a soft voice.
Claire reminds her that they live in Chicago and work sixty hours a week, which in Claire’s opinion means it will never be bikini season for the two of them. (Claire is a brunette who talks fast — and she doesn’t have doe eyes and a soft voice like Crystal. In other words, Claire is the smart one and Crystal is the sexy one. We all know that those things don’t go together — mainly because girls and brains are not a hot combination. Duh.)
Cut to the next scene. The plane has crashed on a beach and Crystal and Claire are sitting on the sand looking disheveled and dazed. A “hot” shirtless guy I’ll call Shirtless Joe walks up to them and says, “I need someone to help find some fresh water.”
Crystal, apparently hypnotized by his rock solid abs, answers, “I can help with that.”
Shirtless Joe says, “You’re going to get wet.” Crystal immediately starts to unbutton her shirt and turns to Claire and says dreamily, “I’m going to get wet.” Then Crystal gets up and starts hustling over to Shirtless Joe as she continues to fumble with the buttons of her shirt. Claire is left sitting alone in the sand and we’re left questioning how smart Claire really is after all. And scene!
What’s the news flash, you’re asking? It’s a little complex, so put on your thinking caps, ladies. Even now, in 2012, women need to prioritize being skinny. (Note, I said skinny, not healthy.) And why do women need to be skinny? Because you never know when you are going to need to look hot in next to no clothes for a guy. Get it? Geez! Dumb people can be so frustrating — unless they’re skinny hotties. Then they’re perfectly adorable, just like Crystal!
Let me guess what you’re thinking. You thought the reason you should keep your weight down was because it was better for your health. You’re one of those not hot girls who likes facts and figures and science, aren’t you? Your New York Times-reading, feminist aunt probably brainwashed you to believe that the real motivation for keeping extra pounds off was it lowers your risk for all sorts of health problems ranging from depression, heart disease, cancer, diabetes, hypertension, joint issues and back problems.
Am I right? Oh, snap! Looks like being smart just backfired on another girl the same way it did on Claire in the Crystal Light ad!
You see, if you want to keep your weight down for health reasons, then you need to maintain your weight in a healthy way — through eating right and getting regular exercise. And that’s so limited! I mean, get your “Nanny State” rules off my body. Am I right, ladies? But if you want to be skinny so you can look hot for guys, then it doesn’t matter how you lose the weight: fad diets, eating disorders, diet drinks, weight loss hormones, pills or “energy” drinks. Anything goes, really. See how many choices we ladies have when we have our priorities straight?
But thanks to this Crystal Light commercial, I now know that there is another profile available to [women]: It’s the daft hottie who hangs on her man’s every cheesy line.
And what makes this Crystal Light news flash extra exciting is this: Up until I saw this commercial, I thought the only acceptable profile for women in today’s political climate was the Rick Santorum-sanctioned, church-going soccer mom who rocks her Mom Jeans with pride, dutifully attends to the needs of her husband and dotes on her clean and well-dressed children.
The only reputation this type of woman has is the one she’s developed for the mean seven-layer dip she brings to the church social. Other than that, there’s nothing mean about her — except her judgmental side, but that only comes out when she’s confronted with people who are different than her. (Which is their fault for being different; not her fault for being morally superior.)
But thanks to this Crystal Light commercial, I now know that there is another profile available to us: It’s the daft hottie who hangs on her man’s every cheesy line. Women who follow this model love to teeter around the house in Daisy Dukes and high heels or sip on a Crystal Light and flip through People Magazine while her man does guy stuff like watch sports on TV.
So forget all that nonsense your feminist aunt told you about all the advances in gender equality over the past few decades thanks to the battles waged by our grandmothers, moms and aunts. Sure, their struggles got us to the point where women now make up roughly half of the student body in law schools and medical schools across the country. And yes, their hard work paved the way so women can now occupy places of leadership in politics, business and academia. And of course it was their lobbying that got laws passed to protect against gender discrimination and sexual harassment.
But the point of all of that wasn’t so that our daughters could grow up with a sense of entitlement, thinking that they could simply choose to be whatever they wanted to be provided they worked hard and had a little luck on their side.
No. The point of all that work was for us ladies to get to 2012 and then just shrug our shoulders and twirl our hair between our fingers as we watch the clock get turned back to 1950 on all of us.
So, if you’re one of those college-educated, Volvo-driving, soy latte-sipping feminazi-types that has been harping about how your “rights” and “choices” are being trampled on by people who have no business meddling with them, quit being such a snob!
Take a minute to pretty up a little, then tuck that lock of carefully coiffed hair behind your earring-adorned ear and pay attention while I go over this one final time:
We ladies have unlimited choices over what we do with our own lives as long as we pick one of the two (count them on your fingers if you have to, but be careful not to chip a nail) pre-approved options, the Santorum-sanctioned Soccer Mom, or the Daisy Duke Donning Hottie!
Pick your profile, permanently park that Volvo, and hop in either the minivan or the Mustang — we’re making a store run for some juice boxes and Crystal Light, respectively. Let the menfolk worry about election season. We’ve got more important things to think about. After all, it’s almost bikini season!