Relationship Advice

Pink Kisses answers: Waiting around for The One

Pink Kisses answers: Waiting around for The One

Ellie Scarborough and Amy Lynch are two bodacious bombshells locked & loaded with intelligent answers to all your questions about dating, love, sex, breakups and all things in between.  Ellie launched a community in 2010 to help girls get through heartbreak, giving them tips, tools and inspiration to keep them moving forward without looking back.  Now, she and professional partner-in-crime(s of the heart) Amy are lending an ear to CultureMap: Austin, solving the problems of the 512's lovelorn one no-BS answer at a time.

Q:

I'm 22 years old, and I have a longstanding relationship with "E." We know each other from high school, and danced around the idea of dating until about two years ago, when we gave "us" the college try. But college sucks for relationships. We both have busy work and school schedules. E made it clear early on that he was serious about me. At the time, I freaked out a little. We're too young (and frazzled) to talk marriage, kids. But there we were, talking about it.

Long story short, after a wonderful year, we devolved into an on-again off-again relationship. We fought about a lot of petty things. And one big thing. He tried something (someone) new in an "off" patch, hid it from me, and I never really recovered. In a serious lapse of judgement, I called the whole thing off until I was ready to make a commitment... and started casually seeing his close friend. It was cathartic, but it was wrong.

E and I stopped dating six months ago, but he's still in my life. He has a girlfriend of about a month. We've talked circles around our mistakes. He's still sure I'm "the One", but he says he needs time to recover from all the hurt feelings and confusion. He doesn't know how much time he needs. I don't blame him. We've limited our conversations and try to stay out of each other's way. But, should I wait for him? Is there any way to come back from all this? A couple years down the road, this guy will make a great dad, and a wonderful husband. But could he still be that for me?

A:

We've definitely been in that place where we've known someone for so long and become emotionally invested in them so deeply that it's nearly impossible to imagine being without them for the long haul... but we're here to tell you, perspective is a very powerful thing.  It may be true that he's got the makings of a great husband and dad, but here's the thing: a lot of guys do.  Guys who don't have a history with you involving twists and turns and complications and pain. Guys without all the drama. Guys with whom you can fall every bit as deeply in love as you've been with the boy you wrote us about.
 
 Self-direction is a luxury far too few people realize they have. 
 
He may be a great guy, but what you've described doesn't sound like the best foundation for long-term happiness. The most important thing you can do right now is figure out exactly who you are and what you want your life to be... what dreams you want to chase, places you want to go and accomplishments you want to tuck under your belt. Then, get after them at full speed. The rest will fall into place the way it's supposed to, and whether or not that includes your ex is anyone's guess... but to answer your question: No.

Don't you dare wait for him to make your life for you. Make your own. Self-direction is a luxury far too few people realize they have.  

The first step in figuring all of this out for real is to resist contact with him for a while. That's the toughest part, but it's imperative. You're 22, and you've got a lot of living and learning to do before you commit your entire life to someone. The smartest approach you can possibly take is to politely but firmly delete him from your radar screen (yes, we know it's hard, but no excuses) and plunge headfirst into whatever adventures you were putting off while you were involved with him. The time is NOW. Book those flights. Get that degree. Make big, awesome, impulsive decisions that don't involve him--and learn from them.  
 
You'll thank yourself later.
 
 
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Ellie Scarborough