school of life
Unconditional Love: A recipe for relationship failure
I love love. And because I love love, I hate unconditional love. I hate unconditional love because it is to relationships what car accidents are to teenagers: the number one killer.
Let me explain. I love my boyfriend Clint. I can’t imagine not having him in my life. But I love him because of the kind of person he is and how he treats the people in his life—including me. He is a man of incredible integrity and a huge heart. I fell in love with him because of these qualities. (Plus he’s hot.)
But if my assessment of him turned out to be wrong—either because he changes or I was just plain mistaken—my feelings for him would also change. Let’s say I found out that he was a big fat cheater or that he has been stealing lunch money from orphans or he decided to vote Republican in 2012. Then I would have no choice to conclude that he is not the man I thought he was. I’d be crushed by the discovery and mourn the loss of the boyfriend I thought I had, but I would not keep dating him knowing who he really turned out to be.
I realize that this is somewhat of a controversial position among the pro-traditional marriage crowd. After all, the “until death do us part” vow generally doesn’t come with fine print granting outs for things like being a douche bag, stealing from children or losing your mind. But it should. Conditions are a good thing. They set standards and keep things clear. And they shouldn’t be in fine print. Each couple should spell out its conditions before they get married. And these conditions should be in all caps, boldface 20 point font. By way of example, this might be what mine would look like:
NO LYING, CHEATING, STEALING OR VOTING REPUBLICAN.
Redundant, I know. But you get the general idea.
After all, the “until death do us part” vow generally doesn’t come with fine print granting outs for things like being a douche bag, stealing from children or losing your mind. But it should.
Think about it. When you nail an interview and land the big job, you don’t get to keep it regardless of what you do from that point forward. Your performance matters. It is evaluated from time to time and your future with your employer depends on how well your boss thinks you’re doing. If you stopped showering, blew off whatever work you were supposed to do at the office, left your trash all over other people’s cubicles, or started berating your coworkers, you would likely get canned.
Not surprisingly, people generally care about how they come across at work. But a lot of those same people don’t apply the same ethic to their personal relationships. They view their marriage vows as granting them a license to stop caring. Don’t believe me? Then how do you explain the existence of fanny packs and sweat pants? If there weren’t a market for these things, no one would make them. No self-respecting single man or woman who is even mildly interested in dating would have anything to do with either of those things. But plenty of married folks are not ashamed to be seen in public rocking these items, and some even go one step further and refuse to leave home without them. It’s no wonder that 50 percent of those who marry end up divorcing.
When an actor auditions for a role and gets the part, the part isn’t his for life. If the actor cannot keep performing the way he demonstrated he could in the audition, or if totally lets himself go, then either he finds himself replaced with an actor who can perform or the production gets canceled all together. And thank God for that. Because if that weren’t the case, we’d would all be sentenced to infinite seasons of Two Hookers and a Half Kilo of Blow starring Charlie Sheen.
And yes, I realize that getting an acting role or a job is not the same as being in a relationship. Sometimes bad things happen to people that are beyond their control, and no one should have to worry about getting dumped when they’re wrestling with a terminal illness. (Are you listening, Newt Gingrich and John Edwards?) But conditions should definitely apply to things you can control. I wouldn’t break up with Clint if he got in a car accident and was disabled as a result. But if he got in that wreck because he downed six shots of tequila and tried to drag race a souped up Camaro in his stripped down Jeep, that would be a different story. Likewise, if I started to practice a little law on the side to make a some extra money, my guess is Clint would be supportive. But if I decided to make some quick cash to support a newfound meth habit by setting up a lab in the storage shed in my backyard, I’m pretty sure he’d leave me faster than my teeth could rot out.
And speaking of dental issues, remember the old saying, “If you love someone, set him free?” I think it’s missing some teeth of its own—and the part that is left out is exactly what it needs some real bite. It should read, “If you love someone, clearly communicate the conditions for that love. Then, if your partner systematically violates those conditions, set yourself free.”
After all, it’s better to have loved and lost than to be stuck with a toothless meth addict.