E llie Scarborough and Amy Lynch are two bodacious bombshells locked & loaded with intelligent answers to all your questions about dating, love, sex, breakups and all things in between. Ellie launched a community in 2010 to help girls get through heartbreak, giving them tips, tools and inspiration to keep them moving forward without looking back. Now, she and professional partner-in-crime(s of the heart) Amy are lending their expertise to CultureMap, solving the problems of the 512's lovelorn one no-BS answer at a time.

Q:

I've always depended on my boyfriends to keep me happy (selfish, I know)... but recently I found out my boyfriend had gone off with my best friend, and now I've realized how unhappy I am being single. How can I teach myself to be strong and independent and not to wait for a guy to come along? How can I make my own happiness without a guy?

A:

EXCELLENT question. The answer, quite frankly, is closer than you think. The fact that you've identified your problem and hit the nail on the head is a tremendous first step toward taking responsibility for your own happiness. Half the battle is in figuring out where you're giving away all your power (and why) and determining what unhealthy patterns you've fallen into.

The bottom line is this: happiness is a choice. It really is. There are people in developing nations who have been through struggles we can only imagine and who are barely making ends meet—barely feeding themselves and their families—and yet you can see the joy in their faces. At the same time, halfway across the world, there are profoundly privileged people who seemingly have everything—wealth, fame, love, success, the whole lot of it—and yet they're absolutely miserable. The truth is, it really doesn't matter what you have or where you're getting it. What it comes down to is a very simple (albeit slightly elusive) thing called perspective.

Now, we don't expect you to wake up one morning feeling magically, perfectly happy and stay that way for the rest of your life—we know that's not realistic. We want you to methodically, over time, get real with yourself about all the things you want to do with your life, and take the appropriate steps to actually do them. We want you to figure out how to make your mark on this world, and then start working toward really making it. We want you to make a promise to yourself to stop letting someone else—anyone else—be responsible for your satisfaction in life, and make a vow to manage it on your own.

We're not saying other people can't bring you joy; on the contrary, the best relationships (and we're talking about family and friends, too—not just romantic love) can take you beyond the moon and back. We're just saying that the best relationships are built when each person involved is already truly happy on their own, and that happiness is heightened by each other's presence. Isn't that an awesome concept? And the best part is, it's totally doable.

Start today by spending some quiet time by yourself. No music, no television, no internet... just you and a piece of paper. Think long and hard about what you wanted for your life when you were five years old, or maybe ten. Does your life look like that now? No? Okay then. Write down a few sentences about what that imaginary life looked like. Now, start making a simple list of two or three things you can start doing RIGHT NOW to make your real life feel more like the one you've always wanted for yourself.

Every day from here on out, do everything you can to stick to what you've written on that piece of paper. In time, it will bring you happiness like you've never felt before.

Want your question answered? Shoot an email to culturemap {at} pinkkisses {dot} com to see what the girls have to say.