Ellie Scarborough and Amy Lynch are two bodacious bombshells locked & loaded with intelligent answers to all your questions about dating, love, sex, breakups and all things in between. Ellie launched a community in 2010 to help girls get through heartbreak, giving them tips, tools and inspiration to keep them moving forward without looking back. Now, she and professional partner-in-crime(s of the heart) Amy are lending their expertise to CultureMap, solving the problems of the 512's lovelorn one no-BS answer at a time.

Q: I'm an extremely jealous person, which has ruined every serious relationship I've been in. Despite the fact that I'm a moderately successful woman, when I'm in a relationship, I can't help but feel like my partner is constantly looking for someone better—or will jump at the first chance to be with someone who's prettier, smarter or more talented than I am (maybe blame Hollywood or reality TV for convincing me that every man is always on the prowl). It feels terrible, and it feels even worse when I start thinking about how self-destructive this line of thinking is, and how much of a self-fulfilling prophecy that sort of fear can turn into.

I'm currently dating a man who raises every irrational red flag I have, despite the fact that he's a sweet, loving, caring man who hasn't given me a reason to doubt him. But: he's a working actor, who often has close (professional) relationships with women who set my jealousy off in the most extreme ways. While I've been trying to keep my mouth shut to avoid scaring him with my insecurities, it's getting harder to distract myself from the constant worry. When he lands a part, it's hard to be happy because my fears immediately take over.

I don't like the person, or the girlfriend, that this kind of thinking turns me into. How can I stop fear and jealousy from being my default setting, and learn to have more confidence and trust in what's otherwise a wonderful relationship?

A: The good news is, you're already aware of exactly what the problem is and exactly how it manifests itself. That's half the battle. It doesn't mean the fight within yourself won't be tough, but it does mean you know who the enemy is, and chances are, it's not the guy... it's your own fear of him hurting you. So let's start there.

Chances are, someone wronged you in a big way when you were probably very young, and it set into motion a pattern of distrust and paranoia. It's certainly not your fault by any means, but if you want to enjoy healthy relationships, you've got to ask yourself a very important question: are you simply distrustful of every man you date no matter what kind of foundation his character is built upon, or are you only allowing yourself to get involved with guys who don't deserve your trust to begin with? It may sound like an overly simplistic question, but it's a critical one. So do yourself a solid: take a long look back at the ever-present patterns in each of your past relationships. Did every one of them lie and cheat? Did every one of them turn out to be something other than what they presented themselves to be in the beginning? On the other hand, were all of them actually trustworthy but just plain turned off by your lack of trust? Were they good guys who just got tired of having to prove themselves to you all the time? They likely all fall into one category or the other, and you have the opportunity now, while your current relationship is still in its earliest stages, to send your fear—or the guy—packing; whichever one makes more sense.

Take some time to be really honest with yourself about your current relationship. If there are liars and cheaters in your past and the new guy legitimately seems dramatically different, or alternatively, if the only lying and cheating in your old relationships existed purely in your imagination, now's your chance to say, "Okay, I'm choosing to give this one the benefit of the doubt. I'm choosing to do things differently and give it a shot." The beautiful thing about free will is this: every single minute presents a new opportunity to break old patterns... to choose to get out of our own way.

Here's another important question: although your lack of trust seems to be an across-the-board kind of thing, does it really come from your gut, or does it reside in all the other voices in your head? When you get right down to it, we all have that little voice in the base of our skull and the pit of our stomachs that tells us what to do, where to go, whom to trust and why. It's all the other chatter that tends to get in the way and mess things up. So, if your deepest instinct tells you your current guy is worth trusting, look your fear in the face and dismiss it. Write down the following phrase and keep it somewhere accessible so you can remind yourself of it often: "I choose to get out of my own way. I choose to trust people who deserve to be trusted." Then, live by it. No exceptions. Old habits are hard to break—particularly ones as deeply rooted as this one—but you have to give it a shot. If your deepest instinct tells you, however, that you've got a little more work to do before you can find yourself attracted to decent, trustworthy guys (they do exist—honest!), then the best thing to do is let him go.

One last thing: a key element of any healthy relationship—you've probably heard this before—is open communication. If you're pretty sure your current boyfriend really is a decent person and you want to see where this relationship can lead, it's imperative that you let him know you've got trust issues. Sit down with him in a non-confrontational manner and explain that you're working through some really deep stuff, and that you need him to be patient with you. If he understands the battle you're fighting and he's worth keeping around, he'll help you fight it. He'll have your back, and he'll have no problem letting you know how he feels about you and what his boundaries are. The ones worth keeping are the ones who take us for who and what we are and help us grow without even meaning to. If he's one of those, stick around and let him help you. If he's not, let him go and learn to help yourself. You've got what it takes to figure it all out -- you just have to get off the roller coaster in your head and let yourself.

Good luck in this new phase of your life. It's going to be scary at first, but if you work your way through to the other side, you won't be able to stop thanking yourself.

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