Relationship Advice
Pink Kisses answers: Getting over a short-term boyfriend who left long-term grief
Ellie Scarborough is a bodacious bombshell locked & loaded with intelligent answers to all your questions about dating, love, sex, breakups and all things in between. Ellie launched a community in 2010 to help girls get through heartbreak, giving them tips, tools and inspiration to keep them moving forward without looking back. Now, she's lending her expertise to CultureMap, solving the problems of the 512's lovelorn one no-BS answer at a time.
Q:
I was only in a relationship with this guy for three months, and the breakup was well over three months ago. It wasn't a bad breakup, by any means, but I keep going through days when I practically convince myself that he will take me back. I'll tell you, the random text messages and out-of-the-blue meetups aren't helping that much. I know I can't get better by telling myself that we'll get back together in the future — that's just setting me up for failure. So, how do I stop convincing myself? And how much longer will it take to get over a relationship that was so short?
A:
You're not alone in what you're going through — a lot of people have walked away from fairly brief relationships and felt as much pain from those as at the end of much longer, more substantive ones. There's no set formula for getting over it in a certain amount of time based on how long the relationship lasted. In fact, I just did a national survey on the breakup recovery process and found that a majority of women said they'd been through the experience of feeling a significant amount of pain for a substantial amount of time even after a brief relationship ended. The reality is, heartbreak is heartbreak, plain and simple. It just hurts, and that's that.
Here's the good news, though: you're correct in realizing that those occasional meetups and texts and such are bad for you. You totally get that by imagining the fairytale ending over and over again is only setting you back — it's just the impulse control part that's giving you a tough time. It's easy to convince ourselves that we're tough enough, cool enough or over it enough to see him again, to try to be friends, to start over from scratch or whatever our motives might be. But the fact is this: the best way to honestly get over him is to walk away completely and focus on yourself. It's tough, but it's true. You have to establish a no-contact rule and stick to it. Rally your close friends and confide in them about how deep in the trenches you are; they may not even be remotely aware of it since you weren't with him for very long. Once you tell them, they'll get it, and they'll be there for you.
With time and perspective, it will get better. There's nothing wrong with you for feeling what you're feeling. Sometimes we fall deeper than we mean to, and it takes a little longer to dig ourselves out of the trenches. Just remember you're more than capable of bouncing back. Give yourself the right tools, and you absolutely will.
---
Want your question answered? Shoot an email to ellie {at} pinkkisses {dot} com to see what she has to say.