I hate April Fools' Day. Growing up as the daughter of the notorious prankster, this day is riddled with post-traumatic stress for me, a day where I consider everyone to be a no-good liar, running around making a cruel mockery of friends and family.
So, consider me the Grinch of April Fools' Day, as I take a personal pleasure in ranking Austin's attempt to trick us all with tales of fake restaurants, fake political news and fake tattoos. If it were up to me, I would rate them all an F. But that's not terribly fun, so I'll put my bias aside and attempt a journalistic analysis of this April Fools' Day nonsense.
Matthew McConaughey is running for office
We can only assume that Editor in Chief Jake Silverstein is slap happy after the news that he's been named the new editor of New York Times Magazine, but Texas Monthly really hit the ground running with April Fools' Day pranks.
First, the stalwart Texas publication announced that Matthew McConaughey is running for Texas Agriculture Commissioner. "Electoral politics in Texas needs more heroes. My hero is me, in seven months..." the magazine fake-quotes the actor as saying, recalling his head-scratching "hero" acceptance speech at this year's Oscars. Apparently no one bothered to tell The Washington Times that this was a joke. As of mid-day Tuesday, the paper was still running the piece in its Culture section.
Ranking: Hard eye roll
This didn't ring true for a moment (unless, apparently, you're The Washington Times), though the thought of what McCounaghey would say about Texas marijuana laws if he took office is enough to leave us intrigued.
Reddit Austin turns into Reddit Dallas
If there is anything Austin hates more than being compared to Portland, it's being compared to Dallas. Many of us consider Dallas to be our lame sister, the one too caught up in looks and being "The Big D" to "just keep livin'," a phrase trademarked by our own McConaughey.
Leave it up to clever Redditors to turn the Austin sub-Reddit into a city-wide existential crisis with a series of posts about our neighbor to the north.
Ranking: Momentarily confused
This was the only prank that was actually confusing.
UT/ Texas A&M resume rivalry
As if the thought of bongo-loving McCounaghey in public office isn't enough to send us into a tizzy, TM also announced that 2015 would mark the official reignition of the University of Texas/ Texas A&M rivalry, pending a deal with the SEC and the Longhorn Network. The uproar was enough that writer Jason Cohen had to update the story with a note saying, "Yes (and sorry): this was an April Fools' joke, right down to the fake tweet. Thanks to all who laughed, and respect to those who couldn't."
Ranking: Throat clearing sound followed by pursed lips
Credit given: TM sure does know how to ignite a Twitter frenzy.
Famous Austin chefs move on to other endeavors
Zagat released a list of five Austin foodies embarking on new endeavors. Jeffrey's owner Larry McGuire is opening a clock shop, Johnson's Backyard Garden is opening a donut shop and ... you know what? I can't. You can just read the list.
Ranking: Sighed loud enough that rest of editorial team turned around
This would have had a higher ranking had Zagat not finished the slideshow with a picture of a man wearing a page boy hat doing the double thumbs up. Automatic failing April Fools' Day grade.
Ted Cruz gets Winston Churchill tattoo
Appearing on Fox & Friends this morning, and just a few days after a photoshopped picture of the Texas senator covered in tattoos went viral, Canadian Ted Cruz announced that he is sporting some fresh new ink. The senator revealed he has a portrait of Winston Churchill on his bicep. Just kidding! Jokes, everyone!
Ranking: Shouted, "Good god!" and slammed the computer shut
One of the better pranks, it shows Cruz can have a sense of humor about things. Now if only Cruz could work on his Winston Churchill impression.
KXAN does it all wrong
Snapping a popper of confetti does not an April Fools' joke make, KXAN.
Ranking: Clicked out of the video before it ended
This is nonsense. Nonsense!
Kale is dead
While this isn't technically a local story, heaven knows how much Austinites love their kale. Bon Appetit wrote a breaking news piece about a kale-munching super bug that is threatening to wipe out the super green. It's as pretentious as it sounds: kale crops threatened by bugs, just kidding.
Ranking: Mumbling obscenities
Bon Appetit, congrats on being the worst April Fools' Day prank of 2014.
Everyone's a clown today.
