Donald Trump crowns his latest perfunctory Celebrity Apprentice [SPOILER]
Another inane season of NBC's hit reality show, The Celebrity Apprentice, is over. And since you (hopefully) had better things to do with your Sunday evening, we watched it for you. You're welcome.
In the two-hour finale between former late night talk show host Arsenio Hall and American Idol runner-up Clay Aiken, "fans" of the "show" were subjected to approximately one and a half hours worth of commercials with brief clips of the final challenge and superfluous interviews with the previously eliminated contestants.
In last week's cliffhanger episode, Arsenio looked like he was about to give up when teammate Adam Carolla screwed up his PSA for the final assignment. Of course, despite all the dramatic musical orchestration, it turned out to be nothing, and everything was fixed in the first two minutes of the show. Phew!
While he may not be our next President and he never did get Obama to show anyone his birth certificate, Trump did get us to sit through countless hours of commercials in order to watch D-list celebrities bicker with each other
Likewise, Clay was throwing a hissyfit over pouty Debbie Gibson's cousin who was supposed to send sketches of her mural work before he greenlighted the painting of an entire mural the day of his charity event. Don't worry, y'all, it was not at all a big deal and somehow it all gets worked out. (Debbie even voted for Clay to win the whole competition. Phew!)
Nothing revealing happened in the interviews with the past celebs. All the other women called Aubrey O'Day and Lisa Lampanelli "classless" (a term they happily accepted long ago) and Adam Carolla landed an awesome zinger on Jersey housewife Teresa Guidice, which she absolutely did not even pick up on. God bless her giant head of hair!
Speaking of hair, Trump got a ride to the live taping (at the American Museum of Natural History?) from race car driver Mario Andretti. Amazingly, when he got out of the car, his comb-over had not even moved. Has anyone yet figured out the Gordian knot that is on that man's head?
For the final assignment, Clay's team sang and Arsenio's team told jokes. Clay got hundreds of his horny middle-aged Claymates to cheer him on at the event, raising just over $300,000 for his charity, the National Inclusion Project. Arsenio meanwhile got Whoopi Goldberg to show up, although he only raised $167,000 for the Magic Johnson Foundation.
By the end of the season, both Clay and Arsenio had endeared themselves to the public and to their fellow contestants, so it really could have gone either way. Arsenio proved he's still got the comedic chops, and it was awesome seeing him lose his cool over Aubrey's manipulative stunts. And I wanted Clay to win just so he wouldn't someday go on a rampage after coming in second place on two huge reality TV shows.
Clay got hundreds of his horny middle-aged Claymates to cheer him on at the event, raising just over $300,000 for his charity, the National Inclusion Project.
Despite the discrepancies in the funds raised and the majority of the eliminated contestants' votes for Aiken, The Donald declared Arsenio Hall the overall winner for the season after two hours of build-up.
Arsenio joins the awesomely unimpressive company of past winners: former America's Got Talent judge Piers Morgan, funny zombie Joan Rivers, casino rocker Bret Michaels and country star John Rich.
Hopefully, this means Arsenio's going to use this momentary blip on the radar get back in the spotlight. He showed us he's still got what it takes to charm America. And he knows Whoopi. So what could possibly stop him?
The ultimate winner here, however, is once again, Donald Trump. While he may not be our next President and he never did get Obama to show anyone his birth certificate, he did get us to sit through countless hours of commercials in order to watch D-list celebrities bicker with each other, while he sits back and makes himself an even smaller percent of the One Percent.
So, congratulations, The Donald, you sly bastard. You've done it again!