Real Housewives Recap

For Real Housewives of Dallas, threat level is as high as the hair

For Real Housewives of Dallas, threat level is as high as the hair

Real Housewives Stephanie, Brandi, Cary, and Kameron in Mexico
Real Housewives Stephanie, Brandi, Cary, and Kameron soak up the sun in Playa del Carmen, Mexico. Cary Deuber/Instagram

All season, The Real Housewives of Dallas has had me alternately pinned to the edge of my seat, eager for more, and gingerly falling backward onto my fainting couch, overwhelmed by the Texas-sized drama.

This week was a little different. With a few exceptions, the most exciting parts of this episode were the previews for next week — specifically when Brandi, waving a large black dildo, chases Kameron around a Mexican beach, and when Cary confronts LeeAnne about threatening to kill her. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Let’s rewind to Mark and Cary once again arguing about the fact that Cary wants to spend less time at the office and more time with her daughter, Zuri. Mark is seeming less and less likable as this season wears on. First, we had last week’s dinner, during which he seemed incapable of understanding that a child at a dinner table will act like a child. And now we have him giving his wife crap for wanting to hang out with their offspring. What a turd.

Cary reveals that Mark freaked out when she got pregnant because he didn’t want to lose her to their daughter. Clearly, the competing-for-mommy’s-attention angst is still raging on, even though Mark is a grown-ass man and Zuri is four. I hope these two are saving up for Zuri’s therapy now.

Meanwhile, in other questionable parenting decisions, Stephanie and Travis visit the hideous new house Travis purchased without Stephanie’s input and without considering the practicality of having a pool in the living room. They agree to compromise and cover the pool, but not before Travis and the two boys push Stephanie into it. Gross. I do not even want to know the last time that stagnant water was cleaned.

The next day, Brandi picks LeeAnne up for the boob surgery she’s getting from a “vagina doctor.” If you recall, during last week's “Honestea,” Cary revealed this doctor isn’t a board-certified plastic surgeon, but Brandi insists Cary is just “a lot of talk.”

“Well, you know what that talk is going to get her?” LeeAnne asks, rhetorically. “Big. Trouble.”

And that, ladies and gents, is our first threat of the episode. More to come!

Inside the doctor’s office, LeeAnne spots a level on the counter and jokingly asks what it’s for. The doctor replies very seriously that they want everything to be “as level as possible,” and sometimes, “it can be a little confusing.” I’m starting to think Cary was right about this quack.

When LeeAnne disrobes for the doctor to take his final measurements, Brandi is surprised to learn that LeeAnne’s nipples point straight up to the sky, which she says is a real “statement piece.” So now we know what LeeAnne’s role in the carnival was. She was the freaky nipple girl. Cool.

Once the doctor and the cameras have left the room, LeeAnne starts whispering to Brandi about Cary, and the resulting scene is like something out of a low-budget horror flick.

A solid closed door, and from behind it, hushed tones: “She’s gonna come for me one day, and it isn’t gonna be pretty … I grew up with a lot of things in my hands, and they’re not knives … They’re just hands, but they work … quite … well …”

I’m almost glad they don’t have actual footage of LeeAnne saying those words between gritted teeth, two inches from Brandi’s face, fully nude. That, my friends, is pure nightmare fuel. To combat the demon clearly trying to claw its way out of LeeAnne, Brandi says a quick prayer over her buddy, then promptly leaves, most likely to scrub out her eyes.

In another doctor’s office, Mark and Cary are prepping a patient for surgery, and Cary reveals to the camera that this will be her last surgery, as she’s planning to take some time off to be more present for her child. The only problem is Cary hasn’t told Mark yet, and she’s determined to break the news at work, hoping he’ll be less angry that way. Boy, is she wrong.

Mark is convinced that being a stay-at-home mom will make Cary “blow her brains out,” and he wishes her good luck.

Elsewhere, Brandi and Stephanie shop for bathing suits, sip champagne, and Brandi mentions that, oh yeah, LeeAnne went full-out psycho while naked at the doctor’s office. Stephanie suggests Brandi tell Cary, because gossip makes everything better.

Cary, evidently, can hold her own, though, as she proves at a gun range outing with D’Andra, Jeremy, and Mark. D’Andra and Cary put the men to shame with their marksmanship, and Mark warns Cary not to run out on the range, lest he accidentally shoot her. Please note: That is not an appropriate response to your wife wanting to spend more time with your daughter.

While Mark tries in vain to hit the target, Cary Facetimes with Brandi, who relays LeeAnne’s threatening message. By the time Cary tells D’Andra and Mark about what happened, LeeAnne’s vague threat has turned into “LeeAnne wants to kill me,” and “LeeAnne said she’d strangle me.” Slow your roll there, Cary. D’Andra sort of tries to defend LeeAnne, but you can tell she’s also pretty pissed at her “reformed” friend.

Later, Stephanie tries to work with her son, Cruz, who is dyslexic, and it’s all very touching. Thank goodness she and Brandi aren’t so codependent anymore so she can focus on her children.

When we finally catch up with Dallas Barbie, she’s lamenting the fact that flying commercial is going to ruin her fuzzy, leopard-print suitcase. “I always prefer flying private,” Kameron says, “but who wouldn’t?” And now my concern has moved from the rift between LeeAnne and Cary to the fate of Kameron’s fuzzy bag.

In the rest of the packing-for-Mexico montage, we learn that Brandi is going to wear pink, even though it’s Kameron’s color; D’Andra’s stepson Keatin has a job interview with Lowe’s; and Cary is relieved that LeeAnne’s threat has made Mark forget that she quit.

A short commercial flight later, the ladies land in Playa del Carmen, Mexico and, unlike the other Housewives, they have no problem deciding who will be in what room. There’s no fighting over the best suites or jostling over roommates. The girls clearly haven’t reached peak Bravo diva level yet. Give it time.

After settling in, roommates LeeAnne and D’Andra sip cocktails in their room, while the rest of the ladies gossip by the pool. Brandi fills in Kameron, Stephanie, and Cary on LeeAnne’s antics, and also lets them know that LeeAnne’s doctor told her to go buy a compact from the drugstore to tape into her boobs to keep them separated while they heal. Does this seem like good medical advice? No. Does the gossip offend Kameron’s delicate sensibilities? Of course it does.

Kameron wonders why Brandi, who claims to be LeeAnne’s friend, would be talking about her behind her back. LeeAnne wonders if she’ll ever stop being her own worst enemy. D’Andra wonders if her mother will ever croak and leave her the family business. Stephanie and Brandi each wonder who is more obsessed with the other.

And Cary — poor, sweet Cary — smiles outwardly, but deep down she wonders which carny game LeeAnne will use to kill her.

My money is on Whack-A-Mole.