Never leave the house: What Austinites should really do when it's this cold outside
This weather, y'all — it's killing us. Though we average highs around 67 degrees this time of year, our weather has been replaced with some weird hybrid of Pacific Northwest gray skies and East Coast damp-cold that seeps into your bones until you're never warm again. It's awful and I don't care for it.
One of the worst parts is all these news outlets keep suggesting activities. Go to the movies! Hit up a new bar! No, that sounds terrible. First, no one owns a jacket warm enough to make being outside comfortable. Second, even if we do leave the house, all we're going to talk about is the weather. On my way to write this piece, a relative stranger and I stopped to exchange pleasantries and you know what we talked about? The weather. We talked about how it was gray and cold and rainy outside. And that's not a joke; that really happened in real life.
On behalf of Austin, I'm canceling our plans. Local meteorologists are reporting this weather is going to get worse before it gets better, so here are a few helpful suggestions.
Go somewhere else (except most of the U.S.)
I know we are all supposed to hate California, but guess what? Los Angeles has nothing but 70-degree days forecasted for the foreseeable future, so let's all go there. Even better than LA? Miami. It's currently 82 degrees. Plus: rollerblading! While it's sunny and beautiful in SoCal and Florida, that's pretty much it in terms of domestic destinations. Since the rest of the country is buried under a blanket of snow, we're booking a flight to Tulum.
Stream your favorite show from childhood
Is there anything better than curling up on the couch and binge-watching an old favorite? Well, yes, but not when in it's this gross outside. That being said, revisiting an old favorite can be a double-edged sword. Some TV shows, specifically Frasier, Gilmore Girls and Seinfeld really hold up a decade later. You can even go out on a limb and say Friends is still highly enjoyable. But for every Roseanne, there is a Saved by the Bellthat is just upsetting to watch as an adult. Be forewarned.
Scroll through summer photos
Remember when you snapped that photo during a swim session at Hamilton Pool last summer? Remember last Saturday when it was so warm you took a selfie of your sunburn? Pull up the camera roll on your phone, gather your loved ones around the table, and scroll. You'll be amazed at how tan you once were.
Drink, my god, just drink
In no particular order: bourbon, whiskey, red wine, tequila. If you're really committed, make a drinking game out of it. Every time a newscaster says, "It's another cloudy day in the Capital City," take a shot.
Think about working out
While it may be 32 degrees, Austin swimsuit (and jort!) season is right around the corner. Might as well take advantage of all this lack of plans and hit the trail. Except it's too cold, so just go back inside.
Search for beach front property you can never afford
Having a CarMax auto loan and an overdue Visa bill shouldn't stop you from fulfilling your dream of one day being warm. Fire up that Trulia, type in "Spanish coastal towns" and imagine a life of one sunny, sangria-filled day after another.
Throw an epic ice party
Everyone loves a great theme party, and ice gives so many options. Ice luge, Natty Ice keg, ice skating outfits, you get the idea. Make sure The Ice Storm is playing on a loop and invite all of your friends to come over. Just don't be surprised if no one shows up: It's really, really cold outside.