Emotional Hardbody Answers

Emotional Hardbody Answers: Should I pick up the slack for my ex-husband?

Dear Emotional Hardbody,

My ex-husband Keith and I got divorced four years ago when our son Will was 5 years old. The first year after our divorce, Keith exercised his visitation and stayed very involved with Will. But three years ago, Keith took a job out of state and things started to change.

The first year after moving away, Keith came to town for Will’s birthday in September and then again for Christmas. The second year he came for Will's birthday and sent presents for Christmas. This past year, however, Keith didn’t come to town for either occasion, nor did he send presents or even call. Will, however, bought a Christmas present for his dad with his own money, which we mailed it to him. Will called him on Christmas Eve, but got his voicemail. He left a message, but Keith never called back.

Will misses his dad a lot and is taking this rejection hard. I called Keith after Christmas when Will was at school and told him that Will’s feelings were hurt and that he misses him. I wasn’t attacking him; I was just letting him know how his son felt. Keith got very defensive and blamed me. He said it was my fault he didn’t come to town because I didn’t invite him. He also said it was my fault he didn’t send any presents because I never emailed him to let him know what to get him.

The prior times that he has come to town weren’t in response to an invitation on my part. He just notified us of his travel plans and I adjusted our schedules so Will could spend time with his dad. And the only time I’ve told Keith what to buy for Will was when he asked me for suggestions.

I don’t appreciate Keith blaming me for the disappointment that he is causing Will. I don’t think it’s my job to tell him what to get for Will or to invite him to come to Austin. Keith makes good money, plus his best friend lives in town. So, it’s not like he can’t afford to come or doesn’t have a place to stay.

How should I handle this situation from this point forward?

Signed,

Worried About My Son

Dear Worried,

This is a good news/bad news situation. The good news is Keith is no longer your husband. The bad news is he is still Will’s dad. Although you wouldn’t know it from your recent interactions with him, Keith is a grown man. As such, he is responsible for acting like one. That means it is Keith’s responsibility to do what he can to meet the needs and reasonable expectations of a child who depends on him — in this case, his own flesh and blood son. Keith is in charge of making his own travel plans. Keith is in charge of communicating with Will and otherwise maintaining his relationship with him. Keith is in charge of sending Will birthday and Christmas wishes and presents.

But you have some responsibility in this, too — not to Keith but to Will. Your son has a dad who is inclined to be careless with his feelings — and if you didn't know that before, now you do. While you cannot prevent Keith from disappointing Will, you can help your son set up his life so that he is less likely to be blindsided by these disappointments, and equip him with the resources to handle the disappointments when they do occur.

For starters, consider sending an email to Keith telling him that he has an open invitation to come to Austin whenever he wants; and assure him that if and when he does come, you’ll do what you can to adjust your schedule to reasonably accommodate him, just as you’ve done in the past. Feel free to add that the more notice he gives you, the better you’ll be able to accommodate him. In this same email, tell him that any time he wants suggestions on what to get for Will for any occasion, you are happy to help. All he needs to do is ask.

Secondly — and this part is optional — you can also send Keith a quick email a month or so before Will’s birthday and Christmas, saying something like, “Please let me know if you’ll be coming to town. Also, I’m happy to give you gift suggestions for Will should you want them.” Of course, it is not your duty to send him emails like this. But this goes in the category of doing what you reasonably can to navigate around needless disappointment for your son.

It is important to note that there are limits to what you can and should do in this department. The goal is to give Keith the chance to get it right, not to do it for him. If you find yourself buying presents that you intend to wrap up and give to Will under the fiction that they came from Keith, you’ve crossed a line. Part of Will’s work in life is going to be to figure people out for himself. If you create a false image of his dad and their relationship, not only are you enabling Keith, you are interfering with Will's ability to do this work by manufacturing fraudulent data for him to work with.

Now let’s talk about what you can do to set things up so that Will is less likely to be caught off guard by his dad’s thoughtlessness. Build a full life for you and Will, one that isn’t contingent on his dad living up to his duties. Plan birthdays and Christmas on the unspoken assumption that Keith will not be there. The “unspoken” part of this is important. Don’t say, “Since your dad isn’t coming to town for your birthday, I thought it would be fun to have your party at Peter Pan Putt Putt Golf.” That puts the spotlight on the disappointment. Instead, simply begin the sentence with, “I thought it would be fun to have your party at Peter Pan Putt Putt Golf.”

If Will wants to buy his dad a Christmas or birthday present and send it to him, by all means help him with that. If Will wants to call his dad on Christmas, that’s A-okay. But don’t be the one to suggest to Will that he do these things. And don’t point out the times and ways that Keith does not come through for Will. Your goal is to structure Will’s life so that if and when his dad occasionally shows up and gets it right, it’s a pleasant surprise. And the years that he doesn’t, it’s more normal life than crushing disappointment.

Finally, if Will wants to talk about any of this, be a good listener. Resist the urge to either bash or defend Keith. Also, don’t tell Will that his statements are wrong. Simply acknowledge the feelings behind his statements. Will may need to talk, but he doesn’t need you to editorialize. Above all, find a good counselor for Will. With a guy like Keith for a father, he’s going to need it. And you might also consider getting one for yourself, too.

All the best,

Emotional Hardbody

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San Antonio leads Texas on ending horse-drawn carriage rides by 2030

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Horses will no longer pull carriages on the streets of downtown San Antonio.

San Antonio has pulled off something that the rest of Texas has yet to do, but it didn't come without some contentious conversations. City Council has unanimously voted (with one abstention) to phase out the use of horse-drawn carriages over the next five years. That means by January 1, 2030, there will be none on the streets at all; instead, there will be electric carriages.

These plans have been in the making since 2022 — if not always at the same level of intensity — when District 2 Councilmember Jalen McKee-Rodriguez and District 3 Councilmember Phyllis Viagran wrote up some concerns about the horses' wellbeing. A special session at the end of October 2024 hinted to San Antonians that the end for this practice was neigh — sorry, nigh — and the final vote was made on December 12. In addition to accepting the plan, it extended its timeframe by two years.

The initial proposal included worries about the horses' exposure to traffic and pollution, as well how their presence might exacerbate those issues for the environment at large by slowing traffic. It also raised concerns about the effects of standing or walking on hard surfaces for too long, or spending time in extreme weather.

At the December 12 meeting, San Antonians gave impassioned speeches about animal welfare — both to call attention to the need for better conditions and to defend the reputations and jobs of current horse drivers — but it wasn't the first time the council heard from the public about the issue.

In a prior city survey, 50,476 respondents weighed in. Of those respondents, 51.98 percent said they liked the idea to "Transition horse-drawn carriages to electric carriages and pedicabs and ban horse drawn carriages completely." There were alternative solutions listed, but respondents were less drawn to them.

A cultural divide emerged in the data and continued in the December meeting: some people avoided the carriages because they worried about the treatment of the horses, while others enjoyed them because of their historical echoes and living legacy. Many speakers in favor of the plan used this to form their argument, raising questions about history versus progress.

More tangible objections to the plan hinged on the businesses — specifically five companies — and jobs that would be lost, which was the main factor behind extending the adjustment period.

Discussions about the particulars of the electric vehicles are still to come, as confirmed in the discussion near the end of the meeting. Councilmember Jalen McKee-Rodriguez addressed concerns about what would happen to the horses, mentioning the Brady Hunter Foundation as a future partner in finding them rescue homes.

Some council members also brought up rhetorical questions about animal exploitation by groups like Sea World, the San Antonio Stock Show & Rodeo, military and police forces, and even various groups in the Fiesta parade, although these did not come with a formal motion to pick the issues up.

This decision could have a ripple effect on other Texas cities. Dallas has recently considered a similar ban, but it appears to have stalled; Austin's attempts at a ban have been unsuccessful, but according to the Austin-American Statesman, only one operator is permitted to bring horses downtown. She declines to do so because the long hours are unfair to her and the horses. Houston does have horse-drawn carriages, and there seems to be little conversation about banning them.

Cities like Chicago and Salt Lake City have led the charge in the United States with some of the most prominent successful bans. Other cities around the world with bans include Brussels and Guadalajara, which both switched to electric models. Bans that have been around for years, like Guadalajara's and Prague's, still aren't out of the woods — people are still pushing back on the decision, so it sounds like San Antonio still has much work cut out for it.

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