The Sun'll Come Out ... Never
A guide to surviving what is surely the worst winter in Austin history
Enough with this weather already. It's been approximately 173 days since Austin has seen the sun, and according to this 10-day forecast, it's never going to be nice ever again. So what are we Austinites to do? Our patios remain empty, our pets are cooped up indoors, and our stores of Vitamin D are fast depleting.
Rest assured, we're going to make it through. As someone who has visited Seattle twice and lived in New York City for a brief period of time almost nine years ago, but still mentions it in casual conversation, I feel well equipped to help guide us through this seemingly never-ending, terribly gray winter.
Take up a hobby
Since we're all cooped up indoors anyway, you might as well take up a new hobby. For example, consider sitting on the couch watching old episodes of ER on Hulu while simultaneously scrolling through Instagram. Other fun hobbies include making a vision board and gluing nothing but pictures of the sun to it. Carry your board with you, and prop it up in front of your face wherever you go. It's called manifestation, and it works.
Post about it on social media
Nothing says "we're all in this gloomy hell together" like posting about it on social media. Grab a shot of the fog and slap it up on Instagram. Better yet, post about it on Facebook. This way, you can commiserate with local friends in the comments while informing out-of-town friends that Austin has been having really, really terrible weather.
Break up with friends who claim they "love this weather"
They're crazy and you don't need that in your life.
Use weather to strike up casual but important conversations
Weather is a great chance to make casual conversation with grocery store clerks, neighbors, your kid's teacher, the guy waiting in line next to you at Fareground, bartenders, really anyone. In fact, if you find yourself at a work or social event, simply walk into the center of the room and shout, "This weather!" People with concerned looks will rush to gather around you. Take turns talking about how long it's been since you've seen the sun, how you can't believe it snowed three times this winter, and that you can't ever remember what warm feels like. If the conversation lulls, don't despair; simply switch topics to the flu.
When in doubt, blame it on the weather
If we all have to be pale and listless, we might as well use it to our advantage. Acceptable things to blame on the weather include: flat tires, kids behaving poorly, not using your blinker, not holding the elevator door for someone, forgetting a loved one's birthday, not filing your taxes, canceling brunch plans, canceling all plans, eating more cheese than you probably should, openly crying while walking the dog 'cause you're listening to Oprah's SuperSoul podcast and she just really gets it, skipping a workout, and going to bed at 8:15 pm because it's been dark all day.
It'll be relentlessly sunny and 100 degrees soon enough. Then we can complain about that.