Emotional Hardbody Answers

Friends don't let friends have divorce parties, or do they?

Dear Emotional Hardbody,

One of my best friends just went through a nasty divorce. Now that it’s behind her, she wants to celebrate by having a “divorce party.” I’ve never heard of such a thing before, but she assures me that divorce parties are now a “thing.” Whether or not they are in fact a “thing,” I still don’t think she should have one. Lots of things that are “things” are nonetheless things I would never do. Like flashing your boobs in exchange for Mardi Gras beads. Or brewing (or drinking) kombucha.

Granted, she’s been through hell and made it out alive, but she has a shot at a fresh start here and I want to keep her from starting off on the wrong foot. How can I convince her that having a divorce party is a terrible idea?

Signed,
Can’t We All Act Like Grownups?

Dear Grownup,

Your friend is right. Divorce parties are now a thing — and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Human beings tend to celebrate major milestones with ceremonies or parties (or both). This is not a new phenomenon. Graduations, engagements, weddings, birthdays, and even moving, are all examples of life events that are often acknowledged in one manner or another. Even unhappy events like death are marked with ceremonies or even full-on parties. Acknowledging milestones in a group setting helps people honor and process change. It can be both helpful and healthy.

Divorce definitely qualifies as a major milestone. And with roughly 50 percent of marriages ending in divorce, it’s as likely as not that any given person who gets married will in fact experience a divorce. Why shouldn’t this milestone merit a social acknowledgement of some sort?

The nature of any celebration is determined by the preferences of the person who is organizing it. Take weddings, for example. Some people opt to get married by Elvis impersonators in wedding chapels in Las Vegas. Others prefer destination weddings. Still others would only consider getting hitched in a church. Some receptions feature open bars and dancing until dawn. Others are alcohol- and dance-free. There’s no right or wrong here. It’s just a matter of taste.

And the same thing is true of divorce parties. Some might prefer a quiet dinner party at home with their closest friends. Others may want a blowout more akin to a bachelorette party, complete with a pizza delivery boy-turned-stripper. And there are a million possibilities between those two extremes. It’s up to the person who has just gotten divorced to decide what type of divorce party she wants.

But just as the person throwing the party has the right to pick the theme, guests have the right to decide whether to attend. If your friend is throwing a spring break-style party that starts with Jell-O shots and ends with walks of shame and that’s not your style, feel free to skip it. You can always celebrate with your friend another way some other time.

Although I have no qualms with divorce parties per se, I do have one caveat for anyone thinking of throwing one. Party themes and games that revolve around the guest of honor’s ex keep her mired in negativity and focused on her past. That makes it difficult to turn the page and start a new chapter, which is the main benefit of a divorce party. So, no dart board covered by a blown-up photo of the ex’s face. And no cake that features a bride cake topper who has just pushed the groom off the top of the cake. The reason to refrain from these things has nothing to do with being selfless or forgiving. It's just that a divorce party should celebrate the newly divorced and her new future, and her ex has nothing to do with either one of these things.

If your aversion to your friend’s divorce party is due to an outdated attitude about divorce in general, my advice is to get over it. There’s nothing inherently shameful about getting a divorce, nor is there anything wrong with acknowledging the conclusion of one’s divorce by having a party. But if your reluctance stems from your concern about the type of party your friend may have, my advice is to see what she comes up with and then decide whether you want to attend.

If it sounds like fun, go. If it doesn’t, don’t.

All the best,
Emotional Hardbody

unspecified

Red Light

San Antonio leads Texas on ending horse-drawn carriage rides by 2030

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Horses will no longer pull carriages on the streets of downtown San Antonio.

San Antonio has pulled off something that the rest of Texas has yet to do, but it didn't come without some contentious conversations. City Council has unanimously voted (with one abstention) to phase out the use of horse-drawn carriages over the next five years. That means by January 1, 2030, there will be none on the streets at all; instead, there will be electric carriages.

These plans have been in the making since 2022 — if not always at the same level of intensity — when District 2 Councilmember Jalen McKee-Rodriguez and District 3 Councilmember Phyllis Viagran wrote up some concerns about the horses' wellbeing. A special session at the end of October 2024 hinted to San Antonians that the end for this practice was neigh — sorry, nigh — and the final vote was made on December 12. In addition to accepting the plan, it extended its timeframe by two years.

The initial proposal included worries about the horses' exposure to traffic and pollution, as well how their presence might exacerbate those issues for the environment at large by slowing traffic. It also raised concerns about the effects of standing or walking on hard surfaces for too long, or spending time in extreme weather.

At the December 12 meeting, San Antonians gave impassioned speeches about animal welfare — both to call attention to the need for better conditions and to defend the reputations and jobs of current horse drivers — but it wasn't the first time the council heard from the public about the issue.

In a prior city survey, 50,476 respondents weighed in. Of those respondents, 51.98 percent said they liked the idea to "Transition horse-drawn carriages to electric carriages and pedicabs and ban horse drawn carriages completely." There were alternative solutions listed, but respondents were less drawn to them.

A cultural divide emerged in the data and continued in the December meeting: some people avoided the carriages because they worried about the treatment of the horses, while others enjoyed them because of their historical echoes and living legacy. Many speakers in favor of the plan used this to form their argument, raising questions about history versus progress.

More tangible objections to the plan hinged on the businesses — specifically five companies — and jobs that would be lost, which was the main factor behind extending the adjustment period.

Discussions about the particulars of the electric vehicles are still to come, as confirmed in the discussion near the end of the meeting. Councilmember Jalen McKee-Rodriguez addressed concerns about what would happen to the horses, mentioning the Brady Hunter Foundation as a future partner in finding them rescue homes.

Some council members also brought up rhetorical questions about animal exploitation by groups like Sea World, the San Antonio Stock Show & Rodeo, military and police forces, and even various groups in the Fiesta parade, although these did not come with a formal motion to pick the issues up.

This decision could have a ripple effect on other Texas cities. Dallas has recently considered a similar ban, but it appears to have stalled; Austin's attempts at a ban have been unsuccessful, but according to the Austin-American Statesman, only one operator is permitted to bring horses downtown. She declines to do so because the long hours are unfair to her and the horses. Houston does have horse-drawn carriages, and there seems to be little conversation about banning them.

Cities like Chicago and Salt Lake City have led the charge in the United States with some of the most prominent successful bans. Other cities around the world with bans include Brussels and Guadalajara, which both switched to electric models. Bans that have been around for years, like Guadalajara's and Prague's, still aren't out of the woods — people are still pushing back on the decision, so it sounds like San Antonio still has much work cut out for it.

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Emotional Hardbody Answers

Friends don't let friends have divorce parties, or do they?

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