Battle of the screeching divas: So You Think You Can Dance, Week 4
WARNING: The following recap is not the musings of a certified dance expert. My qualifications for writing this column are: I am a reality TV lover with a DVR machine that I only sort of know how to use.
Well, they did it. They eliminated four contestants last Thursday, so the number of dancing queens dropped from 20 to 16 in one cruel drop of the judges' double guillotine. We were pleased that we correctly guessed two out of three bottom couples. Instead of including Hobbit-y Jess and his elven partner Clarice, however, America voted to oust octogenarian Iveta and her smiley-faced young pup of a partner, Nick. Rounding out the bottom three were S&M couple Ryan and Ricky and Ke$ha-inspired cha-cha team Wadi and Missy.
In the end, after dancing for their very lives, two full teams were eliminated when Iveta, Nick, Wadi and Missy were all sent home. That means no one has to be re-partnered, and we move on to tonight's show. Phew!
Tiny Broadway dynamo Kristin Chenoweth is the special guest star this evening, and the audience is going nuts imagining that some of her fairy magic is going to rub off on them. After being in Wicked and Glee, she’s the perfect tween bait choice for this show. Not much of a dancer, but she can give Mary Murphy a run for her damn money in the annoying voice department when she wants to.
Oh, and Lil’ C is here too to say some words we don’t quite understand but will squeal for all the same.
After a Broadway number pitting the boys against the girls (blah blah blah), it’s time for some couples dancing. It’s gonna be a good show tonight.
Sasha and Alexander:
Dee Caspary directs Sasha and Alex in a cool piece with Sasha dancing on a piano. When he plays the piano, he makes her spooky dancing ghost appear! Oooooooh! It’s a cool concept that we buy because she’s so committed to it. She looks like an angry wolverine that he once loved. (But what man could tame her?!)
As the song continues, we see Sasha really take the reins on this one. Her big flowy dress is awesome, and it doesn’t trip her up once. So in response to her stealing the show, Alexander stuffs her back in the piano like the creepy supervillain he is.
The judges all express their excitement for tonight’s show, and then Kristin confuses everyone by admitting that in her first dance routine as a child, another child peed on her. Evening’s off to a great start, I say!
Caitlynn and Mitchell:
Creepy ascot-wearing ballroom instructor Jean-Marc Genereaux is tasked with making the Samba look fun for Caitlynn and Mitchell. He’s talking a lot about hips and booty in his silly old French-twinged accent. And if you want booty, who better to channel than Beyonce?
Yep, Beyonce + fringe = I want it in my life all the time. Mitchell is all over the stage, but I’m just watching Caitlynn doing Ms. Knowles proud in this rendition of her song. Her feet are going a mile a minute and her dress is going further, and my eyes are rolling in my head.
Mary starts screeching but is promptly outdone by Kristin who is screaming for everyone to “shut every front door in every house.” It’s obnoxious, but it’s what we signed up for, people.
Miranda and Robert:
Wait, what? For this Tyce Diorio-directed Broadway number, they’re dressing up Miranda like a call girl and expecting people will believe Robert actually called a woman up for a night of elicit lovemaking? I call bullshit!
Beyond the loose premise, Robert’s not ready for Broadway, and Tyce (He of the Despised Line Beard) cannot pull anything else out of him. Miranda looks great and is doing what she can, but the spirit just isn’t in this one.
The judges are surprisingly kind to them, going as far as to compliment Miranda’s growth. Nigel looks like he wants to say more, but he coyly admires their bravery and technique and moves on. Ruh-roh.
Melanie and Markus:
Melanie and Markus get a contemporary piece choreographed by Tabitha and Napoleon. So lots of yearning and rolling abs like we love on this show. Leona Lewis is always the right choice for people to win, so there’s no worry this is going to be amazing.
True to form, they’re perfectly in synch despite her fluffy clown outfit getting in the way. Markus is sliding and spinning all over the stage, ending up in her face for a hardcore kiss. That looked real, y’all.
Nigel calls them “the couple to beat.” And then he attacks Mary’s face with a fake kiss, which prompts Kristen do the same to Steve. And because this is HIS show, dammit, Nigel tops it all by kissing Lil’ C, too, DESPITE his raging and very public homophobia. This really IS a night of scripted “fun.”
Ashley and Chris:
Jazz performances always makes us cringe because it means couples being paired with the Mad Max-looking choreographer Sonya who admits to Ashley and Chris that this week’s dance is “inspired by Beetlejuice.” So that’s clearly never going to turn out okay.
And, as promised, here are Ashley and Chris wearing zombie makeup with moss draped over their ripped clothing. But only on one side of their bodies… like those popular drag performers from the 80s who lip synch both parts of a male and female duet.
The Telepathe song they’re dancing to is perfectly boring, but they’re flopping and extending with all their half-zombie might around that stage. Ashley’s legs are so long, I’m literally dying.
Nigel points out that the music sucked, Mary tries making up for it by complementing their talent. Kristen apologizes for being the Paula Abdul of the show for loving everything and admits to Ashley that she’s her favorite. Ashley, despite her half-zombie state looks fully elated.
Clarice and Jess:
Ugh. The Squat Hobbit returns with his partner Clarice to engage in some foxtrot nonsense choreographed by Jean-Marc Genereaux to Sinatra’s “Fly Me to the Moon.” She looks elegant in this floppy fringe dress held together only with one million diamonds, and he looks… low to the ground.
When will they please get rid of ballroom in this show? Yes, it’s important, and yes, it shows off skills we don’t know about. But the only one who enjoys it is Mary Murphy. Everyone else is bored.
Of course Mary loves it. She’s screeching like a harpy all over Jess’s face. And then Kristen loves it, too. Even Lil’ C. And his name is Lil’ C. Maybe I should be nicer to them… Someday…
Ricky and Ryan:
Sonya, again dressed in her floppy hippy pants and giant earrings, looks more ready for Thunderdome than ever before. This time she is encouraging Ricky and Ryan to think of, y’know, families being torn apart for their Jazz piece this week. Lots of weird costumes in rehearsal including a one-cup bra and a long twisted leash that tethers them together Metaphor time, everyone!
They’re dancing to an awesome acoustic Robyn number that really matches their movements well. Ryan looks like the scariest monster when you can see how thick her abs and ass are. Both of them have abs that could crush a child.
Lil’ C calls them a power couple, and everyone’s happy these two got saved from last week’s elimination. Ricky’s seriously one of the best dancers on this stage.
Jordan and Tadd:
Yay! Tabitha and Napoleon gave sweet, innocent Jordan and obnoxious Tadd an uncomfortable morning-after scene set to David Guetta’s dance beats.
Upside, everyone’s naked in this one, and it’s a chance to show off Tadd’s breakdancing skills in addition to his muscle boobs. Downside, Tadd’s leaving Jordan in his dust. struggling to keep up.
The choreography involves them taking his clothes on and off in creative fashions, so that’s news. And the scene is enough to get Kristin to start annoyingly screaming, “Shut the front door AND the back door AND the garage door!” Besides the fact that phrase gives me shingles, every in the audience goes nuts.
Nigel tells them they’ve got nothing to worry about, and they’ll be here for quite some time. Hope his words aren’t bad karma…
On that note, my votes for this week are as follows:
Once again, Melanie and Markus are my picks this week (they inspired a kissing fight)
Bottom Three Teams:
Ashley and Chris (nothing inspired by Beetlejuice can last)
Miranda and Robert (bad attempt at a hooker with a heart of gold cliche)
Clarice and Jess (the judges loved them, but I just can’t stand him)
Results show airs Thursday (6/30) at 8:00p CST on FOX.