Fashion vs. function: The best ACL line-up—outfits to beat the heat
Meteorologists might be some of the most hated people around town these days. Remember that scene in Ferris Bueller where Ferris’s prerecorded message plays each time Mr. Rooney presses the doorbell? The local weathermen should take a page from this book and employ a similar tactic — air a tape highlighting the words “triple digits” and “no rain” each time the forecast airs and take the day off.
Needless to say, the outlook for this weekend’s highly anticipated Austin City Limits music festival is sure to follow suit. I’ll go with “sizzling” and “dry” in hopes of inspiring the local news teams to spice up the vocab.
When planning my attire for the three-day extravaganza, I find myself battling between fashion and function. Sure, I’d love to bust out my favorite pair of nude stilettos because they elongate my tree trunk legs (fashion), but the reality of standing on my feet all day elicits a strong desire to instead borrow my grandmother’s orthopedic kicks (function).
Here are four ensembles to help inspire your very own ACL (outfit) line up:
Look 1: Earthy meets Edgy Bohemian
A light gauzy dress is guaranteed to keep you cool all day, no matter how hot it gets. (Just make sure you are spray-tan free; nobody likes to see orange sweat on a white dress). The dramatic single earring adds a bit of an edge to the otherwise sweet ensemble and recalls something bohemian fashionista Nicole Richie might easily pull off.
Look 2: Neon 90s
Never one to shy away from color, I like the idea of sporting a bold color palette before summer officially fades. (Shades of neon don’t exactly scream “Happy Holidays!”) Mixing in a black lace tank helps to subdue the loud elements that are working behind the scenes and allows for maximum airflow, should any sort of breeze decide to blow in. For my gals blessed with big tatas, please proceed cautiously when executing jumping movements in the bandeau bra.
The final element incorporates a splash of facial SPF in a vibrant purple hue (envision some carefully placed game-day stripes as opposed to solid coverage). If Ke$ha and Zach Morris had a secret love-child, I believe this is what she would wear. Eat your heart out, Kelly Kapowski.
Look 3: Axl Rose does ACL—as a woman
This outfit caters to those of you hoping to showcase your rock n' roll flare this weekend. Try mixing in pieces that come off as über-cool, but simultaneously appear as if you gave your appearance zero thought. A distressed white tee sends the message: "I just got into a fist fight while waiting in line to pee." (No one has to know you actually ironed it before exiting your front door earlier that day.) And jean shorts with heavy fringe lend an extra "oomph" that will set you apart from the rest of the jort-wearing festival patrons.
Look 4: Sweaty Betty
I’m a sweater. Not the Weezer "if you want to destroy me” type, but more along the lines of “I fully perspire while sipping a hot cup of coffee.” When all else fails, I say slap together your best moisture-wicking gear to show this heat who is boss. I dare you.
Hey, at the end of the day, if you end up rocking a white suede fringe jacket a la Ferris’s girlfriend, Sloane — I won’t judge. I just hope it leads to at least one band dedicating a rendition of “Danke Schoen” to you.